weedfairy
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 disappointedi ought to be heart-broken, shouldn't i? i really don't feel anything. i honestly feel like 'oh well, back to being single' and that's that. i do like being single, and i'm not lonely. and i've been masturbating like a wild monkey for weeks and weeks. it wasn't a complete loss because i learned the value of thongs. unless i'm in the red it's all i wear these days. i have some REALLY cute ones too. it was hard to leave the kids. it's always hardest to leave the kids, because you're never mad at them. this is the second pair i've gotten close to and had to break from in three years, so i think i'm all done with that. i'd rather be single than date another man with kids i'll have to give up when the relationship sours. plus i want my own kids, and i've noticed men who already have them seldom want more. i still don't want to birth them. i'd still rather adopt. another sticky issue when you're seeking a life-partner. another thing, i will never ever EVER tell another man i'm seeing that i ever used to like girls. it just makes everything go straight to hell. i don't want group sex. i've never wanted group sex. and i don't want to be used to achieve someone else's fantasy of group sex. what i want is to meet a nice man who will never cheat on me, get a modest (MODEST) house, adopt a couple of kids, get some pets, plant a garden, have a pleasant life. it should be simple, but it's not. i would also think that seems like a really appealing idea to someone, but it hasn't yet. the thing that bothers me most is after this experience i will probably not bring another man to meet my family until we've dated for 6 months without him cheating on me. i haven't told them what happened yet. they all really liked him and his kids. i keep getting asked if he's coming to thanksgiving and christmas. i also think i got over my ego needs. the past four people who have told me i'm beautiful also physically used me for their own amusement. so that line will fail in the future. so will any others that try to massage my ego and make me feel good. i've also started watching the calendar and noticing how quickly time is rolling by. even if i met the man i am going to marry tomorrow, i think it would be months before i let him get inside my body or my mind. it's just not worth it anymore. there's more to all this, but i don't have time. plus there are lots of other things going on in my life. i'll get to it. when is there time anymore? | ||||||||||
| 1 bong hit | hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 hee-hee!he's making me a dress. and i now have two drawers full of thong panties. that look REALLY cute. and a growing collection of lingerie that also looks really cute. i love the satisfied grunt he makes when i put things on, and the slow, growling exhale as he circles around me. were both sad when i had to put back on the granny-panties this morning. soooo much kissssssing. i made him promise we'll still kiss this way when we're old and wrinkley. once my nipples aren't tender from the rush of hormones in my blood, i'll let him pierce them. i still say no to tongue. my teeth are more important and i'm too oral to ever leave it alone. i've also been painting a lot of pottery with my family lately. i'm doing a ceramic christmas tree in rainbow colors. and i'm putting white lights into it. i did a night-light that turned out REALLY well. it's addicting. luckily i found an old lady in cocoa who is willing to pour anything out the 10,000 molds she has in exchange for talking my ear off for two hours. it's so worth it. next saturday i'm taking my cousin, anthony's kids, my mom and grandma and anyone else who wants to go. and work is kicking ass. loving my life right now. loving it. | ||||||||||
| 1 bong hit | hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 like a teenagerthe second night i met his children and he booked a cruise for us in december. the third night he told me he loved me the first moment he saw me...and then when i opened my mouth to speak my personality blew my gorgeous looks away. the fourth night i was made love to for the first time in my life. the fifth night i told him i loved him too, and he asked me to move in. tonight was the sixth night and i said i'd move in on one condition. i want to be married first. game point. | ||||||||||
| 1 bong hit | hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 you're jealousi really don't know why i chose to let my anger at my dads get so out of control. really any kind of validation or thanks from either of them is moot, since i fixed a lot of my actual problems. my problem with saving money has been solved. my credit is almost clean. by the end of march next year it will be completely refreshed. shortly after i am looking to rent an apartment somewhere, give myself some privacy and some space, restrict my income so that only a minuscule amount can go toward what is my main problem right now, eating. sustained anger makes for insatiable hunger. complete sadness makes for a need for treats. wasted energy makes for less physical activity. it's ok. it's keeping the boys away and that's what i need right now. at least it's keeping me away from them. i don't know why but there are still a couple of die-hards who don't seem to care how fat i get. even the girls at work have noticed that i have been off for over a month. on the thursday after that horrible conversation with my mom, i broke down at lunch and cried in front of all of them. like popping my office cherry. they were thrilled. i'm part of the 'in' crowd now. they think i am entirely too apologetic for how i feel about things. i really am sorry that i feel this angry at my dads. it really hurts me that this is something (at least i think) i can control. i can't control how hurt i feel, but i can get over it all and stop thinking about it. that will go a long way. and i've been trying to do that almost all year. they just hit me up at a really raw moment just when i'm finding my footing but i'm not at all confident about holding my ground. being alone with them and revealing all the changes i'm going through just felt like too much to deal with. i already accidentally let it slip to my mom that i'm very seriously considering getting my tubes tied. that was a mistake. a bad mistake. because i can't explain to her that the reason i want that done is i never want to experience plan b again, and i never want to have another abortion. she doesn't know i ever had one, and i hope she never will. tricia is having one. next wednesday. i don't know if i can go with her but i'm going to talk to my bosses about it and see if they'll give me the day off. i hope they will. i feel so bad for her. it's awful for her, and awful for her new boyfriend. and he is a boyfriend. he'll go with her, but she'd rather have me. i'd rather it be me too. i understand everything she'll go through, and i agree it is the 100% right decision for her to make so i support her completely. i never want to go through that again. ever. i haven't had sex in six months and i do not miss a single thing about it. the funny thing about that is my sex drive is way down and my need to masturbate is WAY up. in the thermosphere. i can't get enough of myself. i also let my public hair turn into a science experiment so up until about an hour ago i was sporting some major (for me) bush. i just shaved all of that off and cut my fingernails short, so i think i'm going to have a very exciting evening. | ||||||||||
| hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 hate them allhatred of men: 99% complete. | ||||||||||
| hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 who knows?saturday we met with kym and her friend to paint pottery. i've been asking to go do this for months, and we finally did. it was so much fun. we went to a place in winter park that is open until midnight. when i called they recommended we come in after 4:30 because there were two birthday parties, plus we'd get a discount on the studio fee. well, we ended up meeting there at six and kym had scrounged up every old orlando weekly rodney had to get us free coupons for our studio fee. saving $8 made me spend way more on the piece i picked out. i painted a christmas tree topper that's going to be a clown-like st. basil's cathedral. i'm really excited about it. if it will look right, i'm envisioning some gold glitter on parts here and there after it's been glazed. anyway, LOTS of fun for all of us. we'll be going again, hopefully soon. i can't wait to see all of our pieces when they're done. next weekend :) sunday was nice. church, which i dress up for every week because i like the excuse to look kind of pretty for a day, and then lunch with the old folks. i really love sundays. church is short and there are enough people to watch and singing to do that it goes by quickly. there's lots of hugging. and every week when they get going about jesus i just sit and wonder why all these people have forgotten god for the messenger. and then i go one step further and wonder why we've all forgotten that we are god. and then i wonder if any of these people, especially some of the church elders, would ever understand this if i tried to explain it. i really think one or two of them might think hard about it. but i'm not going to risk it. i'm only there to be with my grandma, not get neck-deep involved like i know they're hoping i become. never ever. this is just a social experiment for me. sunday evening i hung out with dave and watched the da vinci code. i liked it, without liking tom hanks' character one bit. just weird. silas freaked me out but so far i haven't had a nightmare with his face in it yet. after talking to dave about money and credit and other financial issues for about two months straight, i think i've just about reached the point where i see possibilities in buying myself some form of property in the next few years. i've never considered that possible but my credit is really improving and after march of next year i should have a clean slate to get some small revolving accounts going so i can up my numbers. i need to make more money but if i'm patient where i'm at and stick with the low salary and humble living now, it will pay off in a couple of years. especially if i keep up with school. i do think that i will try to find a small apartment next spring. i really am ready to be alone. i need it now. and i really really want it enough to make all the right sacrifices and decisions. i am finally caught up with work, but i expect to get hit with another killer wave at the end of the month. we are supposed to get about 800 referrals a month total from the three counties, and last month we got almost 1000. 300 of those came in the last 5 days of the months. and it was my first full month in the new job with the new procedures. i expect something equally horrible will happen this month because two of the counties sent us nothing in the first 10 days of this month. they're holding work, those bitches. it's ok. this month i am caught up and ready for them. hit me with it. i can take it now like a machine. so everything is humming along nicely, and then i get a call from my mom today around 3pm. i did talk to her last week for a little bit, and talked about coming by over the weekend but i never made it over there. i didn't feel like it. she was calling to invite me out to dinner with her and my step-dad. she said they hadn't gotten to see much of me lately and wanted to take me out somewhere. i mentioned bringing grandma and she kind of awkwardly said she'd like it to just be the three of us. so i kinda said ooook.....and said how about tuesday night? ok good. well what happened next i can't describe as anything other than a panic attack. i instantly got a headache when we hung up, and then around 4:30 i started feeling hot and i was sweating to death (i am always cold in our office) and feeling like i was going to pass out. i almost barfed in the car on the way home and i was shaking. i walked in the door, barfed up the only thing i ate all day, and then slept for six hours. while i was sleeping my mom called to ask awkwardly not to tell grandma they only wanted to invite me so she wouldn't feel bad. she said they just really wanted to spend time with me. it's sad that the first place i go when my parents request my presence alone is panic. i'm never alone with my mom where we don't end up talking about something that breaks my heart and makes me want to cry, and i'm never alone with my step-dad where he doesn't take the opportunity to try to make me feel like a pile of shit. right now, i'm actively dealing with all of the issues that have plagued my life because of how they treated me. i know why they were harder on me than any of the other kids. i was way harder on them. i was in-your-face difficult to deal with because i was angry about alcoholism wrecking my family life. i still do not feel sorry for that. and i realize now that they were harsh with me because i was harsh with them. they said things to me they would never say to their other children because i've said things to them none of the other kids would ever have the balls to say. i've taken hard hits from them because i showed them their ugliest side. and i was unrelenting. i am still not sorry. but i'm sorry for them now because there is nothing they can do to make it better. the more time i spend away from them the easier it is to deal with these things. thinking about them instantly makes me start to cry. it happens to me at work at least a couple times a week. so far no one has noticed because it's just tears, no noise. i just wanted so badly for them to show me that they love me. say thank you for the sacrifices i made for them that they don't want to admit i had to make because they weren't willing. and now i don't want to care about those things anymore, because they have to stop mattering to me. wanting those things and never getting them, putting in work i'll never get thanked for, making a habit of accepting so much less than i'm worth simply because i'm so thankful for any kind of positive attention....all these things have made my life so much harder. i want to be rid of them, and i want to forgive my parents so that every time i see them i can think of things that are better than this. i am raw with emotions over this stuff, and sitting alone in a restaurant is the last place on earth i want to be with either of them. i will be trapped and if i cry it will be horrifying, and my self-esteem doesn't need a scene right now. i didn't call my mom back tonight because i was sleeping off the attack. i'll have to call her tomorrow. and until them i'll have to think about what i'm going to say. because at this point i half want to brave it, fake my way through dinner and keep it light, and the other half wants to tell her the truth about what i'm going through and tell her it's not a good time. i'm hoping when i wake up in four hours, i'll know what the right answer is. | ||||||||||
| 1 bong hit | hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 not happyand unless i'm just spotting again, 09/07/2009 period started. after worrying about tricia for six weeks straight, she calls me last week to tell me about a boy. they dated for two weeks before they had sex. unheard of for tricia. simply unheard of. and then today she calls to tell me she sent text messages to the half-dozen guys she's been hooking up with on and off for the past year or so telling them she's met someone. unheard of for tricia. simply unheard of. ms. anti-commitment committing to the point of declaration to past lovers that there will be no more midnight hookups. en masse. unheard of. i am shocked, and i am relieved for her and for me. she may not settle down much, but maybe she'll be a little more consistent. i still haven't met him. next weekend maybe. it has been a while since i talked to any of my parents. the longer it goes on, for no apparent reason, the angrier i feel. i could pick up the phone and call them, but frankly i'm angry, depressed, and don't have any news. and i don't want a pep talk or a lecture. my mom talks to my grandma to find out about me. my dads just don't care. what am i going to say to my mom? i'm lonely and i'm just watching everyone's lives progress while mine just stays the same. everyone else is having ups and downs and people to share them with. i've got nothing. just anger and hurt. i'm sure she'd love to hear that. it's why she doesn't call. i have no power to slow the aging of my grandparents and it's difficult to watch at such close quarters. i cannot tear myself away from the company of old people these days. the happiest time i have all week is after-church lunch with my grandma and all of her 70+ year old friends. we talked about my grandpa one day a couple weeks ago. everyone had a funny story to tell about him, and i haven't laughed so hard or felt so happy in months. i miss him terribly. and i think one of the reasons i've always loved and idolized him so much is because of how in love he was with my grandmother. he was always a provider, never looked at another woman, had a good sense of humor and stayed romantic with her into old age. my grandparents never fought with each other. they stuck together and backed each other up. my other grandparents are also equally in love with each other. they've taken good care of each other, remained faithful and romantic into old age. i'd been hanging out with dave a lot for the past several weeks. the last time i saw him he asked me if i was sleeping with anyone. i asked him why he was asking me that. he said he didn't have a reason. it's been months since i let anyone touch me. every time i think about being with another person i feel nauseous. so that's what i told him. and it's not that i have no sex drive. it's there. it's being fed by copious amounts of masturbation. but if i fantasize about sex with someone, anyone, i feel like i'm going to be sick. my body is in revolt over that kind of treatment. i've enjoyed sex once in the past year, and that was in february. i'm also never going back to that. i have not enjoyed anyone putting their hands on me, which seems to lead to people just doing so completely uninvited. like it's ok. it's not, and it makes me sick. i've dropped half a dozen people in the past year who were supposed to be my friends until they put themselves all over me and acted like i owed them something. fuck you people. i haven't masturbated with any toys and nothing has gone inside of me for so long, i'm probably going to feel like a virgin the next time i sleep with someone. complete with anxiety and tears. i can't get happy. i used to be good at this. | ||||||||||
| hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 rawrpretty sure i am for-real feeling pissed off at both my dads. i don't know what to do with that anger yet. i want my excessive need for validation to just go away. it won't. and i just realized that i no longer trust any men. think the anger is playing a starring role there. i'm just tired of feeling abandoned, criticized, used, misled, and/or unappreciated. work is better. oppressively busy, but i love it that way. i'm still working overtime and just found out next monday is a paid day off. yay government holidays! there is money in my savings account again. triple digits. the edginess there is wearing off. my car is fine. so is school. my aunt, uncle, grandma, and cousins are on a health care reform rampage. the conservative war-machine has them all fired up and consumed with fear. it's town-hall meeting night in melbourne tonight. my sister is all up in arms. i'm just nodding at our predictable flock. my sister and i are little blue flags in the middle of the red sea. i've finished her shadowbox except for the hanging hardware. i need to use a drill other than the one in my grandmother's garage. one that isn't 50lbs, 65#+ including the heavy-ass cord. it's too much of a beast for such a simple job. i'm not hanging drywall. and it's not 1972. the shadowbox turned out out so well i think she's going to cry. i almost do. probably why i haven't hurried up and mailed it. i want to keep it just a little longer. my friend coined a new word this week. philosoraptor. love it. i think part of the problem here is, in spite of being busy, i'm totally 100% bored. | ||||||||||
| hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 ughmy alternator had been making noise for a couple of months, and i'm really lucky it didn't go out on me and leave me stranded somewhere. joe replaced it for me for free. all i had to do was buy the part. i also bought a repair manual for my car (actually for a nissan maxima....it's the same car) thinking the next time something went wrong it would be useful. the alternator was done thursday. today there is something wrong with a fan. i'm going back over to the boy's house as soon as they're up. naturally this happens right as i'm paying for my next semester of school. so i've got about $50 until the end of next week because between school and the car, my meager savings is now wiped out. it's funny how i seemed to have a lot more money when i was spending a crap-load on weed. now that i'm channeling it towards productive things it is gone, gone, GONE. i've been working 12-hour days this week just trying to catch up my work. i feel like i'm just spinning my wheels. the new girl we hired is good, but we're not loading her up with all of her new stuff yet. i've still got the bulk of my old work to keep up on, plus learn the new stuff, plus keep everything processed as it comes in. we're managing the same caseload we had in the spring when we were going to hire a fifth person, AND we're using the new contract procedures which multiplied the number of times we have to touch a file exponentially. everything takes longer. it is grueling. i just keep telling myself 'job security' but the headache i've had on and off for two weeks isn't listening. last night was the first night i've been able to get more than 4-5 hours of sleep all week, and i end up having a sad and frustrating dream. i'm with my family at this resort we've all been to 100 times (in my dream...i dream about this resort a lot). there are a few extra people there (troublemakers) and at some point this sort-of cute boy come up to me and says he has something to tell me. so he takes my hand and leads me through all these areas to a couch. we sit down and he smiles at me. and in the nicest way possible he starts detailing all the problems other people have with me. in a sweet, there-there, it's-not-your-fault-you're-an-ugly-oaf kind of way. so i'm crying in my dream and i get up to leave. everywhere i wander i'm getting treated badly by people. they're either cold-shouldering me, or closing doors in my face, or whispering things to their friends loud enough so i can hear them. i end up in this house with a maze of rooms and hallways, and jon pops out from behind a curtain to hug me. it didn't work because as he's hugging me my mind is telling me that this isn't making me feel better because he was never the right guy for me. so i woke up with this sad and frustrated feeling. and i was obviously crying in my sleep because my face was a mess this morning. these kinds of dreams are silly for me to have, because everyone in my life right now loves me very much. they show me that every day. and i wish i could make it enough for me, and not still feel so alone. i really want to meet someone, fall in love, and get married. i'm not under any kind of illusion that this will make my problems go away. i know they won't, and new ones will continuously spring up. but my heart is so lonely and it wants to love someone so much. it would also be great to work as hard as i do and feel i'm getting a better return for my work because i'm not the only one doing it. here is a picture of my family on my mom's birthday at epcot. i'm in the middle of another in-law sandwich. happier times.  | ||||||||||
| hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 sleepymonday i ran over a squirrel on my way to work and had to pull over for fifteen minutes so i could cry it out. i know things like that happen, but it's not every day you kill another living thing. i could feel and hear it under my car, and when i looked into my mirror i saw him do his final death-twitch and that was it. it was terrible. tuesday i inexplicably threw up all night long and didn't get any sleep. wednesday night i had dinner with my dad at my grandparent's house. my grandpa fell off a ladder in the yard while trying to cut limbs. he's in his 80s! he broke his arm and cracked his pelvis. i drew a ladder on his cast and put a big red X through it. my grandma has alzheimer's, which sounds sad....but i notice the more her mind goes, the less depressed she feels. that's actually a relief. she's still lucid at times, and she sits with a little half-smile on her face. i like that. they're just getting so elderly and feeble that i don't think they'll be around much longer. i worry about them both. i worry about my parents and my grandparents a lot. they love me so much, and they all do so much for me so that i feel special. what happens to me when they're gone? thursday night was nice. my brother and i had our birthday dinner and my parents got me a gps. i'd told my grandma that i thought that's what i was getting, and she told my mom. my mom tells me as i'm opening it that i almost didn't get it because grandma told her that i already knew. then she said if i asked for more things i might be surprised more often. i love it, and i got lots of baby-holding time in. there are pictures, and when i get them i'll post them. this week i pushed through mountains of work, trying to fix the cluster-fuck left behind by the girl who was fired. it's no fucking wonder she didn't understand her job. nothing was organized and she made a different mistake every time she made one, which was often. i'm trying to learn the new way to do the old job i learned in march and clean her mess up at the same time. it's a disaster and it makes my head hurt. my birthday was kind of a mess. i really didn't want to do anything crazy, but tricia took three days off from work for my birthday and she wanted to party. i didn't. i'm in a way different place than she is. she's screwing 22-year olds, drinking every day and riding around on motorcycles. i haven't slept with anyone in months, i have no desire to, and i don't drink anymore. i drank a margarita at lunch and was sick for the rest of the day. it's like pouring poison into my body. when i finally got home tonight i was sitting on the floor next to my grandma looking at pictures from the trips she's taken over the past few months. i had more fun doing that than i did with anything else all day. i felt bad too because my friends tried really hard to show me a good time, and they all gave me really awesome gifts. it's not their fault i have other types of things on my mind. i did get a lot of phone calls from different people, and that made me feel good. i'm in an awkward state. half of my friends are still drinking, partying and fucking around while the other half are settling down and starting families. my state of existence falls under neither of those categories. i want a family, but i don't like anyone. i'm also finding so much value in spending time with my family that i almost don't want to meet someone who will force me to take time away from them. i know any relationship i start is going to take time in the beginning to get comfortable, and i'm not going to want to bring anyone around my family until i'm sure i really like them. it's a conundrum. i'm not exactly sure what to do. i really want to love someone, but i haven't met anyone who i think would fit into my life. i don't know if this is the kind of problem you can solve. my working solution is to ignore it and focus on the things that make me happy. | ||||||||||
| hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 happyok so the reason i haven't been writing is that well.....i've kind of been just living my life instead of talking about it. but as yesterday was totally exciting, it's a good time to catch up. I GOT PROMOTED! :D i got a raise and they're going to hire someone to take my place. we are down to three of us now, and we're getting as many referrals as we were getting in march when they were thinking of hiring another person to help us. so we're swamped. truly, you've never seen anything like the caseload we manage. 750-800 new cases opened every month, and with the 6-7 months most of them take to get to court, we have roughly four THOUSAND cases open at any given time. this is why i laugh when whiny government employees call us from DOR or the clerks office and gripe about their caseload. they have one county to deal with, and we have three. i laugh even harder when stuck-up private attorney's assistants call up with their 15-case load and wonder why it takes us a couple of days to get back to them. i seriously love my job. i was so busy this morning that the first time i even looked up at the clock i'd cut 10 minutes into my lunch hour. unbelievable. so yes, work kicks ass! i officially have my AA degree. woo! it made my mom glow with happiness, so that actually made it worth it. i also spanked my trig class this summer and got an A. this is the fourth time i've taken it. the other three times were 10 years ago, when i got two F's and finally passed with a C. why go back and take it again? because it's bugged me all these years that i didn't understand it. it made me feel stupid and now i feel normal again. i also have been cleaning up my credit. there is really only one thing left on there, and i've disputed it because it was paid in full back in 2004. i can't figure out how i'm going to prove it since i don't have that bank account or the statement with that transaction on it, so we'll see how it goes. it's only for $1600, and it was from breaking my lease when i got laid off a hundred years ago and had to move back home. once that is gone i'll essentially have no credit history because i haven't done anything to build it in years. and my number is still pretty low, but it's going up. as i've been driving around town lately, i've been paying attention to the homes and apartment complexes and fantasizing about whether or not i'd like to live there. i'm really starting to think about getting a place of my own and living by myself again. the idea REALLY appeals to me these days, which has never happened to me before. i just spend so much time thinking about how i could be experimenting in the kitchen and growing houseplants and doing yoga naked in my living room that it's starting to become a real goal of mine. and i know i have a lot of time because i can't afford a thing right now, so i feel like that's good news, because i have tons of time to explore. beachside really appeals to me, and there are tons of little duplexes with fenced-in yards all up and down the coast. if i had a yard i could have a dog. a big dog. and probably a cat to be his friend. anyway, my wheels are turning. what else.....? my friend kym had some really scary health problems that started up a few months ago. she's only a few years older than me and so i was really freaked out for her. we hadn't been seeing much of each other for such a long time, so we're hanging out more now, which i'm loving. i really missed her. i played wii for the first time with her and rodney a couple weeks ago, and i LOVED it. i didn't think i would because i hated guitar hero (i SUCK at that game) but i was fascinated that i could bowl a spinner-ball just by rolling my wrist a little. i was kind of shocked that the graphics were lame, but the actually game-play is REALLY fun. golf is hard. just like in real life. i had katie last weekend. my grandma and i had dinner at my aunt's house last friday night and she came home with me to spend the night. saturday i was trying to think of things to do to keep us both entertained and out of the heat, so we hit every indoor playground in town. she played with a ton of other kids, had a great time, and we sang biz markie's energy song about a billion times. that's her favorite. i like skee-lo's mr. morton. because mr. morton is the subject of my sentence, and what the predicate say, he does. she crashed at 7:30 that night :) my birthday is next week, and i'm extremely excited :) me and daniel are sharing birthdays this year, so we're making our mom make us chicken and dumplings. i let him pick the cake because he's picky and hates chocolate. he voted for white or yellow cake and wasn't particularly interested in the icing, so i told my mom to get strawberry. then he'll have a big pink and white birthday cake. she's also going to make a cookie-sheet cake, otherwise jokingly referred to as 'the crisco and sand cake' because of the sugary texture the icing took on one year by complete accident. it's actually not sickeningly sweet, which is why we all love it. my cousin andy is coming with the twins, because no one loves my mom's chicken and dumplings more than he does. i'm excited about that because then i'll have some kids to swim with :) also, my niece, fatalie, will be there. i'll have to get a new picture of us. her michelin legs defy the laws of science and cuteness. there's nothing else really to say. i deleted my myspace account, so if your friend-count came up short recently and i was on your list, that's who is missing. i also created another okcupid profile that i'm still experimenting with. now that i feel over my mommy and daddy issues and i've been well free of any feelings for anyone in my past for quite a while, i think it's safe to start looking around again. we'll see how it goes. i haven't been sleeping with anyone and it's been WONDERFUL. it's been so many months since i had sex, i can't even remember the last time or who it was with. i really feel like i've left that part of my life behind, and that feels incredible. it's just nice having myself to myself. i treat me better than anyone else ever has. so yep, there it all is. maybe in another month i'll write again. | ||||||||||
| 1 bong hit | hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
06/25/2009 period started....FINALLY. three weeks late. i wasn't worried. | ||||||||||
| hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
sleepyi have been going through a lot in the past month. i've been looking at my parents in all new (mostly unflattering) ways and it's having all kinds of unexpected benefits and repercussions. i've realized i'm still pretty angry. i am extremely pissed with both of my dads. i don't trust men, have abandonment issues, and struggle with major self-worth issues because of how they've treated me. i'm grappling with how much i love them alongside how much i want to punch both of them in the face every time i even hear their voices. my dad called me tonight. i was driving my aunt and my grandma out for our wednesday night dinner/grocery shop and i answered for him. i was kind of surprised to see it was him because my dad NEVER EVER calls me. i always call him. but i had dinner with my grandpa, my other grandma, and my uncle monday night and since he was up there for mother's day the night before i thought he might be calling to ask me how it went. no. he called to ask when my sister and matt were coming to town. i told him they'd already come and gone. he flipped out and started bitching about how he was a mile up the road from them and they didn't even bother to come by. i asked him if he'd called her after i called him WEEKS AGO to tell him she was coming. he said no, and he wasn't ever calling her again. then he told me in a nasty voice to have a nice dinner and we hung up. that kind of left me in shock. how did i just get chewed out for my sister being a bitch? my dad was PISSED. i haven't experienced him that angry and emotional in a long time. and it hurts that he's so upset by my sister ignoring him, because he completely ignores me. i call him every few weeks to check on him and to see how he's doing. i ask him if he wants to go out to dinner or lunch but he always says no. and he doesn't seem to be very interested in or impressed with my efforts. he's more interested in my sister and his wife's daughter, because they're both pretty and successful and when people ask about his family he gives them something to say. he doesn't mention me very much. a lot of the guests at his wedding didn't know who i was. they knew about my sister though. that she has a bachelors degree and lives in new york and is married. i don't exist. and my step-dad, i wish he would ignore me. instead he does everything he can to make me feel like a pile of shit. so i'm really pissed. i don't deserve any of this. i do not deserve it. these men should love me more. they should love me as much as i love them. they don't, and it's broken my heart in ways that no romantic relationship ever could. the good news is i feel like i'm going through the stages of grief, which means progress, which means eventual change. it won't always feel this terrible. i can't wait for the day when it doesn't hurt so much. a side-effect of all these things i'm going through is i'm having a terrible time relating to my friends. if they're not still partying, they're starting families and i'm not doing either. i've been sticking very close to my family for the past couple months. i hardly talk to tricia. i can't relate to anything she's doing or going through right now. also i can't deal with another alcoholic who i care so much about that i can't focus. she's more cause for worry than my mom. yet i'm not really isolating myself. the only times i'm alone are when i'm on my lunch break, when i'm sleeping, or when i'm in the bathroom. on a high note, epcot TOTALLY KICKED ASS on saturday! i love the theme parks. i'm exhausted. my file is uploaded. you can listen if you'd like. | ||||||||||
| 1 bong hit | hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
05/07/2009 period started. | ||||||||||
| hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
happyand then there's my niece, fatalie. she has her mother's smile, her father's eyes, and her auntie amy's fat rolls :)  10 weeks old and 13#. the little butterball. my sister is coming in a week. we're going to epcot for the flower and garden festival on the 9th, my mom's birthday. me, lisa and matt, my mom, my grandma, kristi and natalie are going. i can't wait :) i was supposed to go to orlando this weekend, for the first time in a couple months. i already cut my visit short by one night, and i'm thinking about just staying home altogether. i don't know. i haven't decided. i want to see everyone, but then i also just want to stay home. hang out with my family. go to jacob and phoebe's birthday party on sunday after church with grandma. that's what i've been doing all month, and i'm not sick of it yet. there's too many people in this family to get sick of seeing any of them. and there's a bunch of other things going on, but i'll talk about them if i get a chance soon. | ||||||||||
| 1 bong hit | hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 peacefulthis is my last post from my parents house. i'll be spending the rest of the weekend settling in at my grandma's house. i am well-stocked for this kind of organizational work. it will probably be a few days before i get back to this, so in case i miss it...happy 4/20 kids :) | ||||||||||
| hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 thankful( cut, because i'm naked ) also, i'm going to go out on a limb here and say 04/05/2009 period started. | ||||||||||
| 1 bong hit | hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 exhausted(audio - approximately 45 minutes long) bad news about my date and i cry about my life so it's hard, but then there is all of this...... ( these fall into the makes-it-all-worth-it category ) if you want to hear the first audio files, i think i've made them public (for) now. | ||||||||||
| hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 pissed off livejournal deadjournal look. this entry yeah, i use a stat counter. if you're going to post really personal crap and things like naked pictures of yourself, you ought to keep tabs on who is looking. and yes, i know by telling you my secret it's possible you can fly under the radar now. see me without me seeing you. i wish you wouldn't though. with the exception of douchebags like the one above, it makes me happy to see you all pop up on there at random times. just so this isn't a complete bitch-entry....i may have a date with a giant tonight :) 6'5" and he promises we will make out a LOT. i can't wait. | ||||||||||
| 1 bong hit | hit with me | ||||||||||
| ||||||||||
|
feeling:
 angrystop farming my entries. they are mine. get your own life. | ||||||||||
| 1 bong hit | hit with me | ||||||||||
Powered by DeadJournal.com