weedfairy - January 13th, 2009
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feeling:
 sleepyi spent friday night with basil. things have changed for me with him. sexually it's kinda funny because we both agree that 26-year-old basil and amy would be very disappointed in 30-year-old basil and amy's decline from ravenously, freakishly sexual to enthusiastic fucking, but with longer periods of just laying around naked and talking. what i mean when i say things have changed is that i knew going in i'm no longer in love with him, but i didn't expect that i would like him more after this round. perhaps because we did spend a lot of time talking, i learned more about him in one night than i have in three years. and even though i'm not in love, i like him more as a person. i know him more as a person. so it's a shift. a good one. one of the things we talked about was me taking the morning-after pill last may, which we'd never actually discussed with each other. tricia and david helped me get that taken care of, and i felt good then about not getting basil involved. much to my surprise, basil told me friday night that he wishes that i had come to him. not because the outcome would have been different, but he would have liked to have been involved in the decision. that makes sense to me now. at the time i talked to david first because we were quasi-together (on the outs but it hadn't gone ugly yet) and then tricia because i knew she had experience with these types of things. i didn't talk to basil about it because i figured it would just freak him out and there wasn't anything he could do from there anyway. he said if it ever happens again (it won't), he would like me to talk to him first (i will, but it won't). his input on that subject was pretty healing for me personally. ever since he baited me emotionally a couple years ago and then used what i told him as an excuse to stay away from me, i haven't trusted him with any of my feelings really. that helped them start wilting, and then they died their own natural, un-reciprocated death. what really upset me most about the whole thing is how (and WHY) i could think that i was in love with someone who would treat me like that. and he is not at all like this to me now, but back then he straight up told me repeatedly that he enjoyed the amount of pain he was able to inflict on me emotionally. i guess it satisfied that masochistic part of my personality that likes the feel of power-struggles, cruelty, and forced discipline. there was and still is no explanation for how i felt. he's got a lot of good qualities. he's big and masculine, attractive, smart, funny, cares about his family, can fix things, very sexually compatible with me.....but then there are other guys with those things. really the only one of those things travis lacked is that he wasn't handy around the house. and i didn't have to chase him. but unlucky for him, i like the hunt. that dumb boy fell in love and robbed me of the opportunity. no, but really, this weekend was a huge deal for me. i confirmed with myself that i honest-to-goodness do not have any lingering desire or wistfulness to get into a relationship with basil. i really do feel emotionally neutral over him now, and even fantastic fucking can't shake that. i was worried it might. and if how good he made me feel over my my mistake in may didn't shake that, we're definitely ok. unrequited love is a very heavy burden. i can't tell you how good it feels to be released from it. other details..... we didn't snuggle really. i guess i've been sleeping alone for long enough that i don't constantly try to squirm my way in there. i'll save it for a boyfriend. i don't want to squirm for snuggles, i want to be insistently pulled into them. we had an amazing hug as soon as i walked in. one of the few times when i don't feel like an absolute ogre of a girl, because he's so much bigger that his body swallows most of mine. the swallowed-in-a-hug feeling is the safest, most wonderful feeling there is. it was the first time we'd ever met up where i didn't feel like he completely had the upper hand. if anything i allowed myself to feel slightly superior for not having text-drama happening with any satellite crazies in my life. he had a little. i was surprised. i have bruises on my arms from being pinned. and completely sweaty missionary sex in the morning was an unexpected treat. i can't wait to drop a few pounds and make that position even more fun. alright, onward to saturday afternoon. i went to spiral circle and avalon on a rock hunt and with the thought i might buy a new pair of earrings. i found a pair. lapis with flecks of malachite danglies. they are awesome. and i was in an orange-y mood so i ended up with a piece of raw copper, a tumbled chunk of carnelian, and a big piece of raw orange calcite. i also found a little shiva lingham that was all one color, the dark brown. an all-masculine shiva lingham. kinda odd. while i was at spiral circle, the lady was ringing me up and my total came to $25.25. double numbers mean you pull a fortune card. she remembered that happened to me the last time i came in too, which is why she's awesome. i pulled the new career card. it pretty much said that i should be focusing on furthering my education and persist in continuing to send out my resume (every week baby, every week) because a good shift is coming if i keep working in that direction. and i say, of course it is :) it's nice to get a little astral nudge. tricia and i FINALLY had christmas :) my main gift to her was a moonstone necklace, but i also found some plastic steelers cups and this totally awesome giant glitter-filled bouncy ball in her favorite color. i got one for myself in gold. she made me a shadowbox using this picture:  and then cut herself out of this picture:  because we didn't get one of all of us that morning. that was the morning after my birthday. it's even a little 3D, which completely kicks ass. i rearranged my entire bookshelf to accommodate it properly. she also made me a coffee cup with my face on a star like andy's in that episode of the office. i'm going to take it to work and put my pens in it. everyone else has pictures of their husbands on their desk. i'm going to have a picture of myself with a giant kick-ass star behind my head. i wonder if i could squeeze in another hour of sleep. since tricia called me i've been up since 3am. she's a turd. | ||||||||||
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