weedfairy - January 27th, 2009
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 contemplativei had a conversation with my mom and crystalynn the other night. about dating. my mom is constantly pushing me to date, and i'm constantly pushing back because i don't want to. finally i told her, almost in tears because it's hard to talk about, the past couple years have been really rough for me in the love department. it was a long process getting over basil. what i went through with david was very hard. and then she asked about travis. of the three he was the most difficult to deal with. basil isn't emotionally involved so i can't hurt him. david and i hurt each other pretty equally. but travis was never anything but good to me and i totally broke his heart. i'm still not over that. i've been out with at least half a dozen people since i moved home in may, and i haven't felt anything for any of them. and i could tell a couple of them liked me at least a little bit. that made me totally bolt. then we talked about my sister and how she behaved when she had just had a bad break up. she was feeling depressed. she holed up inside her room for six months and cried, and that's what made my mom eventually push her to move to new york with her best friend. but i'm not holed up and crying over anything. i spent this time last year doing that. i'm actually happier than i've felt in years. my job and school and money situations are all decent. the only thing i'm unhappy with is my weight, but that's an easy problem to fix as soon as i focus on it. i'm happy and truly not interested in dating anyone. i go to work, school, do my homework, hang out with my family, go to orlando or west palm or jacksonville once a month to see my friends. when i feel like i'm going to be bored i go ask one of my cousins if i can borrow a kid. as soon as natalie is born i'll be borrowing her too. my life is very full and busy and i'm not unhappy in any way. however there are the moments when i worry that i won't find anyone and that it will be just me forever. i think about getting old and how all of my grandparents had very long, loving, and romantic relationships with each other. and the tears well up a little because i really, really want that. but i'm not unhappy. it's just an emotional thought. i put it in perspective when i look around and realize how lucky i am to live where i do and have the opportunities and freedoms that i have. i think about people whose lives lack these kinds of things, and i bet when you're starving or your house is being shelled, you don't sit around and cry because you don't have a romantic relationship. there's no reason for me to do that. i am so lucky. i lead an incredibly charmed life. and with what so many other people survive through during the course of their lives, it is ridiculous and selfish of me to be unhappy because mine lacks the one thing i think it would take to make it perfect. this is kind of where ambition and the fear of greed collide. | ||||||||||
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