weedfairy - March 5th, 2009
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feeling:
 peacefulfuck. that. shit. i'm sick to death of being hounded here. i have been saving money and going to school and working full-time and getting promoted. i have been DOING SHIT. good shit. get the fuck off my case. it's isn't good enough or fast enough. and what it comes down to is my parents are more interested in ridding themselves of their adult children in their house and are not interested in what i want for my own life as long as whatever i'm doing gets me out quickly. it's too much pressure to make a good decision about what i really want to do with my 'future'.... on top of that my privacy here is zero. my cell phone bill is scrutinized. my room is rummaged. my mail is sometimes opened. i have set traps in my bedroom and every single one of them has been set off. the same is true for my brother's room. i think his mail is spared. my mom is looking for debt-collector mail. too much all-up-in-my-business. it's not like i'm stock-piling weapons and shooting heroin. i understand my parents mean well but i think they've lost all sense of perspective when it comes to my dignity and respect. on top of that i am not getting any sleep. i'm up and pacing the house every hour checking on my mom to make sure she hasn't passed out on the porch and might freeze to death in the night. last night when i made a round she had passed out STANDING UP in the kitchen. her head was on the counter and she was snoring when i walked in. getting her drunken, belligerent ass to obey me in those moments is like trying to pick up sand with chop-sticks. impossible and frustrating. what usually happens is i physically shake her awake so hard and violently (because she will NOT come around otherwise) that she wakes with a start and bitches and cusses at me. all while giggling and slurring. it's not funny. it wears me the fuck out. so my nerves are shredded and it's time for me to move. i called my grandma up on monday at lunch and asked her if i could come over on my way home from work tuesday. she said she had bible group, and then asked if i had a problem. i said yeah....and she immediately canceled her plans and invited me over. i told her EVERYTHING. cried and cried and cried some more. i told her about how i have no privacy, how i'm being pressured into making decisions i don't feel comfortable with, how my dignity is impinged upon, how the work i put in around the house is unappreciated. i told her how upset it made me to come home to people who don't really want you there. it has been a LONG time since i lived somewhere where i wasn't passive-aggressively unwelcomed by at least one person in the house. and me, being the type of person who loves living WITH other people and hating so much being alone, it kills me to feel that. i want so badly to be wanted somewhere. i originally went to my grandma because i think i can afford to live alone and i wanted help working out my budget. when i brought the subject up she told me i was being silly and that i should move in with her. since she broke her foot before christmas she's been in a wheelchair. she can't get around as easily and she can't drive anymore. she said she would LOVE to have me there. i'd be good company and i could help her out. she said it didn't matter to her if i took 6 months or 6 years to make my decisions. she thinks i've been really beaten down by my parents and she knows that i'm the only one that doesn't just ignore my mother's alcoholism. she knows how money-centric my parents are and feels the same way about money that i do. she just wants what she needs, not much more. it was such a relief talking to her. i told her how my mom was even pressuring me to date. she and i got in an argument the other night because she was angry at me for 'closing yourself off to opportunities'....meaning someone to marry me so i can get out of her house and she can stop worrying about me. it all comes back around to that. if i ever do get to be married and have a family, i know my mother will have long drunk and smoked herself to death and is going to miss it all anyway. my grandma made the comment when i told her how worn out i was from tending to my mom that i shouldn't have to raise my own mother. when she put it like that to me i thought about it in the context of my life and where i'm at as opposed to where other women my age are at. i think i'm not starving for children because i've kinda been raising them my whole life. i've been dealing with my mom for at least 20 years. the year my uncle committed suicide is the year she started drinking HEAVILY. and i don't blame her. if i ever came home and found my brother swinging i would probably follow him. but since then she has created excuse after excuse to keep going. she has nothing positive to talk about EVER and continually brings up issues that are 5-10 years old. i'm worn out with it. and both of my parents complain at the top of their lungs how used and abused they feel. no one ever wants their help with anything because you will never be able to thank them enough. the snatch and claw for thanks so much you hardly want to give it to them. they equate how hard they work with how much money they've made, and my grandma pointed out that lots of people have worked as hard as they have. they've both just been very, VERY fortunate on top of that. no one really feels sorry for them when they start whining because money problems to them are having less of a surplus than they normally do. they don't ever get to where they couldn't keep up with their bills. they are hurting like everyone, but they are not suffering. they also have trouble finding sympathy when they start bitching about their kids (me and daniel). i'm the worst they've got and i'm not THAT bad. i've never had a baby or gotten into crazy debt or been in jail or hooked on bad drugs. i'm just having a terrible time finding my niche. when i told my grandma about my parents getting babysitters for me last fall when they went to colorado because they were afraid i was going to use their house for a party....she snorted and said in a disgusted voice that that was RIDICULOUS! i finally have someone on my side who can actually help me. and my grandma and i like living together. i lived with my grandparents for a while when i was a teenager and wasn't getting along with my parents. and i lived with my grandma after my grandpa died so she wouldn't be alone. we're both alone now, and there's no reason for that. what i'm most excited about is the steady stream of family-traffic that floods through my grandma's house. i'll get to see all the kids SO much more. and i'm looking forward to lots of evenings watching law & order and eating takeout. i feel like so many things in my life are on track and keeping them that way on my parent's watch is an up-hill battle. i'm thankful for the chance to just clip along at a steady pace without any roadblocks. and i am going to save SO MUCH MONEY. so yeah, love my grandma. and i know i'm her favorite too :) | ||||||||||
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feeling:
 excitedwith the exception of sunday, which is the day we are having a GIANT family picnic/reunion, i was feeling kind of bored about my weekend. but greg said he was going to be in orlando for flogging molly all weekend so i'm going over tomorrow after work. we're going to get dinner and saturday we're going to go downtown to see giant guitars and the ultimate puppetmaster :) i am really excited. tricia went to the jim henson exhibit earlier this week and LOVED it. i hope they have t-shirts because i want one. it's been a while since i bought a new t-shirt. and speaking of tricia, we have modest mouse tickets for monday night! i'm going in late to work on tuesday. or i'm taking the whole day off. man, now that that test is over and i got all my funk out, i feel AMAZING. just like i lost 10#. which i have, actually :) | ||||||||||
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