i just sat in my car hot-boxing for....i don't even know how long. i had an epiphany as i was driving home from work today. i was listening to npr and they were talking (of course, what else?) about the economy. a whole bunch of things just clicked in my brain. and i needed someone to talk to so i called jon. and he got me started. other things happened, etc-etc.....and so what i'm saying is i just sat in my car being totally high as balls my brain racing a mile a minute. i'm trying to think of someone i can call because oh my god, i just want to TALK to someone. and then i remember digging my sister's old sony 'microcassette-corder' (haha) out of a drawer after she moved to new york.....and for some reason stowing it away in the console of....my buick. this is how long ago this was. building up to this momentous night with myself. seriously, i feel like i just had the greatest date in the world. i filled up a mini-tape talking about a whole bunch of shit. bear in mind i have never heard myself talk for more than a few mumbled sentences....because i've always been self-conscious about my voice and how i sound. i didn't know. i thought i sounded goofy or man-ish or gruff. but when i just relaxed and sat by myself in a place i feel totally safe and comfortable in - my car....which because i'm sure when i got rid of the buick and got the infiniti i just moved whatever was in one to the other. the 'microcassette-corder' made it into the console of my car. the car i was just sitting in. and so i decided to get over it and relax and talk to myself. and record it. i filled an entire tape. i think that's only 30 minutes. but really....that's a lot of time. think about trying to do a 5-minute speech for class and how long it felt like it took to think of enough things to say and still sound articulate and make a point. i spoke to myself. i didn't mumble. maybe once or twice, but more because of emotion instead of self-consciousness. i spoke articulately and passionately and listened to myself make discoveries and try to think things out. serious, my ego doesn't say this....it was amazing. i said amazing things and i meant them and when i said them out loud it sounded so natural and i believed it so much more than when i type it all out here. this has been an awesome outlet for me for almost....five years? i just read back on this date five years ago and i make myself laugh. i sound...exactly like myself. only younger, and more into stupid things. like jon and weed. but in my 30 minutes (i really think it is a 30 minute tape) i mentioned jon several times. because i talked to him immediately following my amazing brainwave........
my point is i'm totally into this right now. i just got dressed and i'm going to 24-hour wal-mart.....(will wal-greens have it? or better yet cvs?? - i love cvs) to get lots more mini-tapes so i can record myself talking for as long as i feel like i have things to say to myself. i will want you all to hear. this might be a one-time creative thing i exploit because i have the time and space to myself to do it. but i hope it's not. because i created something tonight. a little 30-minute tape of me talking. i'm not just talking to myself. i'm talking to you. all of you. and eventually i'm going to have to figure out how to get you to hear it. it blows typing a journal entry out of the fucking water. there are no revisions. it's all straight from the heart. no editing. ad-lib. just thinking out loud. speaking your truth. my fingers can't keep up with my brain. seriously, i can't wait to figure out how to let you guys hear it. it's not my ego talking. it was just a HUGE THING. it's changed me. if you like reading what i write, you need to hear what i say when i'm speaking. just like here, only without the clumsy typing-medium in the way.
off to cvs! i will find a 24-hour one...because that's what the internet is for.
it's a mile and a half away. amazing.
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just...wow
