weedfairy - May 14th, 2009
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 sleepyi have been going through a lot in the past month. i've been looking at my parents in all new (mostly unflattering) ways and it's having all kinds of unexpected benefits and repercussions. i've realized i'm still pretty angry. i am extremely pissed with both of my dads. i don't trust men, have abandonment issues, and struggle with major self-worth issues because of how they've treated me. i'm grappling with how much i love them alongside how much i want to punch both of them in the face every time i even hear their voices. my dad called me tonight. i was driving my aunt and my grandma out for our wednesday night dinner/grocery shop and i answered for him. i was kind of surprised to see it was him because my dad NEVER EVER calls me. i always call him. but i had dinner with my grandpa, my other grandma, and my uncle monday night and since he was up there for mother's day the night before i thought he might be calling to ask me how it went. no. he called to ask when my sister and matt were coming to town. i told him they'd already come and gone. he flipped out and started bitching about how he was a mile up the road from them and they didn't even bother to come by. i asked him if he'd called her after i called him WEEKS AGO to tell him she was coming. he said no, and he wasn't ever calling her again. then he told me in a nasty voice to have a nice dinner and we hung up. that kind of left me in shock. how did i just get chewed out for my sister being a bitch? my dad was PISSED. i haven't experienced him that angry and emotional in a long time. and it hurts that he's so upset by my sister ignoring him, because he completely ignores me. i call him every few weeks to check on him and to see how he's doing. i ask him if he wants to go out to dinner or lunch but he always says no. and he doesn't seem to be very interested in or impressed with my efforts. he's more interested in my sister and his wife's daughter, because they're both pretty and successful and when people ask about his family he gives them something to say. he doesn't mention me very much. a lot of the guests at his wedding didn't know who i was. they knew about my sister though. that she has a bachelors degree and lives in new york and is married. i don't exist. and my step-dad, i wish he would ignore me. instead he does everything he can to make me feel like a pile of shit. so i'm really pissed. i don't deserve any of this. i do not deserve it. these men should love me more. they should love me as much as i love them. they don't, and it's broken my heart in ways that no romantic relationship ever could. the good news is i feel like i'm going through the stages of grief, which means progress, which means eventual change. it won't always feel this terrible. i can't wait for the day when it doesn't hurt so much. a side-effect of all these things i'm going through is i'm having a terrible time relating to my friends. if they're not still partying, they're starting families and i'm not doing either. i've been sticking very close to my family for the past couple months. i hardly talk to tricia. i can't relate to anything she's doing or going through right now. also i can't deal with another alcoholic who i care so much about that i can't focus. she's more cause for worry than my mom. yet i'm not really isolating myself. the only times i'm alone are when i'm on my lunch break, when i'm sleeping, or when i'm in the bathroom. on a high note, epcot TOTALLY KICKED ASS on saturday! i love the theme parks. i'm exhausted. my file is uploaded. you can listen if you'd like. | ||||||||||
| 1 bong hit | hit with me | ||||||||||
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