weedfairy - August 9th, 2009
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feeling:
 sleepymonday i ran over a squirrel on my way to work and had to pull over for fifteen minutes so i could cry it out. i know things like that happen, but it's not every day you kill another living thing. i could feel and hear it under my car, and when i looked into my mirror i saw him do his final death-twitch and that was it. it was terrible. tuesday i inexplicably threw up all night long and didn't get any sleep. wednesday night i had dinner with my dad at my grandparent's house. my grandpa fell off a ladder in the yard while trying to cut limbs. he's in his 80s! he broke his arm and cracked his pelvis. i drew a ladder on his cast and put a big red X through it. my grandma has alzheimer's, which sounds sad....but i notice the more her mind goes, the less depressed she feels. that's actually a relief. she's still lucid at times, and she sits with a little half-smile on her face. i like that. they're just getting so elderly and feeble that i don't think they'll be around much longer. i worry about them both. i worry about my parents and my grandparents a lot. they love me so much, and they all do so much for me so that i feel special. what happens to me when they're gone? thursday night was nice. my brother and i had our birthday dinner and my parents got me a gps. i'd told my grandma that i thought that's what i was getting, and she told my mom. my mom tells me as i'm opening it that i almost didn't get it because grandma told her that i already knew. then she said if i asked for more things i might be surprised more often. i love it, and i got lots of baby-holding time in. there are pictures, and when i get them i'll post them. this week i pushed through mountains of work, trying to fix the cluster-fuck left behind by the girl who was fired. it's no fucking wonder she didn't understand her job. nothing was organized and she made a different mistake every time she made one, which was often. i'm trying to learn the new way to do the old job i learned in march and clean her mess up at the same time. it's a disaster and it makes my head hurt. my birthday was kind of a mess. i really didn't want to do anything crazy, but tricia took three days off from work for my birthday and she wanted to party. i didn't. i'm in a way different place than she is. she's screwing 22-year olds, drinking every day and riding around on motorcycles. i haven't slept with anyone in months, i have no desire to, and i don't drink anymore. i drank a margarita at lunch and was sick for the rest of the day. it's like pouring poison into my body. when i finally got home tonight i was sitting on the floor next to my grandma looking at pictures from the trips she's taken over the past few months. i had more fun doing that than i did with anything else all day. i felt bad too because my friends tried really hard to show me a good time, and they all gave me really awesome gifts. it's not their fault i have other types of things on my mind. i did get a lot of phone calls from different people, and that made me feel good. i'm in an awkward state. half of my friends are still drinking, partying and fucking around while the other half are settling down and starting families. my state of existence falls under neither of those categories. i want a family, but i don't like anyone. i'm also finding so much value in spending time with my family that i almost don't want to meet someone who will force me to take time away from them. i know any relationship i start is going to take time in the beginning to get comfortable, and i'm not going to want to bring anyone around my family until i'm sure i really like them. it's a conundrum. i'm not exactly sure what to do. i really want to love someone, but i haven't met anyone who i think would fit into my life. i don't know if this is the kind of problem you can solve. my working solution is to ignore it and focus on the things that make me happy. | ||||||||||
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