weedfairy - September 15th, 2009
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feeling:
 who knows?saturday we met with kym and her friend to paint pottery. i've been asking to go do this for months, and we finally did. it was so much fun. we went to a place in winter park that is open until midnight. when i called they recommended we come in after 4:30 because there were two birthday parties, plus we'd get a discount on the studio fee. well, we ended up meeting there at six and kym had scrounged up every old orlando weekly rodney had to get us free coupons for our studio fee. saving $8 made me spend way more on the piece i picked out. i painted a christmas tree topper that's going to be a clown-like st. basil's cathedral. i'm really excited about it. if it will look right, i'm envisioning some gold glitter on parts here and there after it's been glazed. anyway, LOTS of fun for all of us. we'll be going again, hopefully soon. i can't wait to see all of our pieces when they're done. next weekend :) sunday was nice. church, which i dress up for every week because i like the excuse to look kind of pretty for a day, and then lunch with the old folks. i really love sundays. church is short and there are enough people to watch and singing to do that it goes by quickly. there's lots of hugging. and every week when they get going about jesus i just sit and wonder why all these people have forgotten god for the messenger. and then i go one step further and wonder why we've all forgotten that we are god. and then i wonder if any of these people, especially some of the church elders, would ever understand this if i tried to explain it. i really think one or two of them might think hard about it. but i'm not going to risk it. i'm only there to be with my grandma, not get neck-deep involved like i know they're hoping i become. never ever. this is just a social experiment for me. sunday evening i hung out with dave and watched the da vinci code. i liked it, without liking tom hanks' character one bit. just weird. silas freaked me out but so far i haven't had a nightmare with his face in it yet. after talking to dave about money and credit and other financial issues for about two months straight, i think i've just about reached the point where i see possibilities in buying myself some form of property in the next few years. i've never considered that possible but my credit is really improving and after march of next year i should have a clean slate to get some small revolving accounts going so i can up my numbers. i need to make more money but if i'm patient where i'm at and stick with the low salary and humble living now, it will pay off in a couple of years. especially if i keep up with school. i do think that i will try to find a small apartment next spring. i really am ready to be alone. i need it now. and i really really want it enough to make all the right sacrifices and decisions. i am finally caught up with work, but i expect to get hit with another killer wave at the end of the month. we are supposed to get about 800 referrals a month total from the three counties, and last month we got almost 1000. 300 of those came in the last 5 days of the months. and it was my first full month in the new job with the new procedures. i expect something equally horrible will happen this month because two of the counties sent us nothing in the first 10 days of this month. they're holding work, those bitches. it's ok. this month i am caught up and ready for them. hit me with it. i can take it now like a machine. so everything is humming along nicely, and then i get a call from my mom today around 3pm. i did talk to her last week for a little bit, and talked about coming by over the weekend but i never made it over there. i didn't feel like it. she was calling to invite me out to dinner with her and my step-dad. she said they hadn't gotten to see much of me lately and wanted to take me out somewhere. i mentioned bringing grandma and she kind of awkwardly said she'd like it to just be the three of us. so i kinda said ooook.....and said how about tuesday night? ok good. well what happened next i can't describe as anything other than a panic attack. i instantly got a headache when we hung up, and then around 4:30 i started feeling hot and i was sweating to death (i am always cold in our office) and feeling like i was going to pass out. i almost barfed in the car on the way home and i was shaking. i walked in the door, barfed up the only thing i ate all day, and then slept for six hours. while i was sleeping my mom called to ask awkwardly not to tell grandma they only wanted to invite me so she wouldn't feel bad. she said they just really wanted to spend time with me. it's sad that the first place i go when my parents request my presence alone is panic. i'm never alone with my mom where we don't end up talking about something that breaks my heart and makes me want to cry, and i'm never alone with my step-dad where he doesn't take the opportunity to try to make me feel like a pile of shit. right now, i'm actively dealing with all of the issues that have plagued my life because of how they treated me. i know why they were harder on me than any of the other kids. i was way harder on them. i was in-your-face difficult to deal with because i was angry about alcoholism wrecking my family life. i still do not feel sorry for that. and i realize now that they were harsh with me because i was harsh with them. they said things to me they would never say to their other children because i've said things to them none of the other kids would ever have the balls to say. i've taken hard hits from them because i showed them their ugliest side. and i was unrelenting. i am still not sorry. but i'm sorry for them now because there is nothing they can do to make it better. the more time i spend away from them the easier it is to deal with these things. thinking about them instantly makes me start to cry. it happens to me at work at least a couple times a week. so far no one has noticed because it's just tears, no noise. i just wanted so badly for them to show me that they love me. say thank you for the sacrifices i made for them that they don't want to admit i had to make because they weren't willing. and now i don't want to care about those things anymore, because they have to stop mattering to me. wanting those things and never getting them, putting in work i'll never get thanked for, making a habit of accepting so much less than i'm worth simply because i'm so thankful for any kind of positive attention....all these things have made my life so much harder. i want to be rid of them, and i want to forgive my parents so that every time i see them i can think of things that are better than this. i am raw with emotions over this stuff, and sitting alone in a restaurant is the last place on earth i want to be with either of them. i will be trapped and if i cry it will be horrifying, and my self-esteem doesn't need a scene right now. i didn't call my mom back tonight because i was sleeping off the attack. i'll have to call her tomorrow. and until them i'll have to think about what i'm going to say. because at this point i half want to brave it, fake my way through dinner and keep it light, and the other half wants to tell her the truth about what i'm going through and tell her it's not a good time. i'm hoping when i wake up in four hours, i'll know what the right answer is. | ||||||||||
| 1 bong hit | hit with me | ||||||||||
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