weedfairy - Post a comment

Posted on:	8/22/09 @ 08:35 am
Subject:	another rough week

i'm exhausted. and i'm having my second period this month. because i'm stressed out.

my alternator had been making noise for a couple of months, and i'm really lucky it didn't go out on me and leave me stranded somewhere. joe replaced it for me for free. all i had to do was buy the part. i also bought a repair manual for my car (actually for a nissan maxima....it's the same car) thinking the next time something went wrong it would be useful. the alternator was done thursday. today there is something wrong with a fan. i'm going back over to the boy's house as soon as they're up.

naturally this happens right as i'm paying for my next semester of school. so i've got about $50 until the end of next week because between school and the car, my meager savings is now wiped out. it's funny how i seemed to have a lot more money when i was spending a crap-load on weed. now that i'm channeling it towards productive things it is gone, gone, GONE.

i've been working 12-hour days this week just trying to catch up my work. i feel like i'm just spinning my wheels. the new girl we hired is good, but we're not loading her up with all of her new stuff yet. i've still got the bulk of my old work to keep up on, plus learn the new stuff, plus keep everything processed as it comes in. we're managing the same caseload we had in the spring when we were going to hire a fifth person, AND we're using the new contract procedures which multiplied the number of times we have to touch a file exponentially. everything takes longer. it is grueling. i just keep telling myself 'job security' but the headache i've had on and off for two weeks isn't listening.

last night was the first night i've been able to get more than 4-5 hours of sleep all week, and i end up having a sad and frustrating dream. i'm with my family at this resort we've all been to 100 times (in my dream...i dream about this resort a lot). there are a few extra people there (troublemakers) and at some point this sort-of cute boy come up to me and says he has something to tell me. so he takes my hand and leads me through all these areas to a couch. we sit down and he smiles at me. and in the nicest way possible he starts detailing all the problems other people have with me. in a sweet, there-there, it's-not-your-fault-you're-an-ugly-oaf kind of way. so i'm crying in my dream and i get up to leave. everywhere i wander i'm getting treated badly by people. they're either cold-shouldering me, or closing doors in my face, or whispering things to their friends loud enough so i can hear them. i end up in this house with a maze of rooms and hallways, and jon pops out from behind a curtain to hug me. it didn't work because as he's hugging me my mind is telling me that this isn't making me feel better because he was never the right guy for me. so i woke up with this sad and frustrated feeling. and i was obviously crying in my sleep because my face was a mess this morning.

these kinds of dreams are silly for me to have, because everyone in my life right now loves me very much. they show me that every day. and i wish i could make it enough for me, and not still feel so alone.

i really want to meet someone, fall in love, and get married. i'm not under any kind of illusion that this will make my problems go away. i know they won't, and new ones will continuously spring up. but my heart is so lonely and it wants to love someone so much. it would also be great to work as hard as i do and feel i'm getting a better return for my work because i'm not the only one doing it.

here is a picture of my family on my mom's birthday at epcot. i'm in the middle of another in-law sandwich. happier times.

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