weedfairy - Post a comment

Posted on:	9/8/09 @ 07:05 am
Subject:	forget your troubles, c'mon get happy

still flat-lined emotionally. but still busy. like a lumpy little flesh-covered machine.

and unless i'm just spotting again, 09/07/2009 period started.

after worrying about tricia for six weeks straight, she calls me last week to tell me about a boy. they dated for two weeks before they had sex. unheard of for tricia. simply unheard of. and then today she calls to tell me she sent text messages to the half-dozen guys she's been hooking up with on and off for the past year or so telling them she's met someone. unheard of for tricia. simply unheard of. ms. anti-commitment committing to the point of declaration to past lovers that there will be no more midnight hookups. en masse. unheard of. i am shocked, and i am relieved for her and for me. she may not settle down much, but maybe she'll be a little more consistent. i still haven't met him. next weekend maybe.

it has been a while since i talked to any of my parents. the longer it goes on, for no apparent reason, the angrier i feel. i could pick up the phone and call them, but frankly i'm angry, depressed, and don't have any news. and i don't want a pep talk or a lecture. my mom talks to my grandma to find out about me. my dads just don't care. what am i going to say to my mom? i'm lonely and i'm just watching everyone's lives progress while mine just stays the same. everyone else is having ups and downs and people to share them with. i've got nothing. just anger and hurt. i'm sure she'd love to hear that. it's why she doesn't call.

i have no power to slow the aging of my grandparents and it's difficult to watch at such close quarters. i cannot tear myself away from the company of old people these days. the happiest time i have all week is after-church lunch with my grandma and all of her 70+ year old friends. we talked about my grandpa one day a couple weeks ago. everyone had a funny story to tell about him, and i haven't laughed so hard or felt so happy in months. i miss him terribly. and i think one of the reasons i've always loved and idolized him so much is because of how in love he was with my grandmother. he was always a provider, never looked at another woman, had a good sense of humor and stayed romantic with her into old age. my grandparents never fought with each other. they stuck together and backed each other up. my other grandparents are also equally in love with each other. they've taken good care of each other, remained faithful and romantic into old age.

i'd been hanging out with dave a lot for the past several weeks. the last time i saw him he asked me if i was sleeping with anyone. i asked him why he was asking me that. he said he didn't have a reason. it's been months since i let anyone touch me. every time i think about being with another person i feel nauseous. so that's what i told him.

and it's not that i have no sex drive. it's there. it's being fed by copious amounts of masturbation. but if i fantasize about sex with someone, anyone, i feel like i'm going to be sick. my body is in revolt over that kind of treatment. i've enjoyed sex once in the past year, and that was in february. i'm also never going back to that. i have not enjoyed anyone putting their hands on me, which seems to lead to people just doing so completely uninvited. like it's ok. it's not, and it makes me sick. i've dropped half a dozen people in the past year who were supposed to be my friends until they put themselves all over me and acted like i owed them something. fuck you people. i haven't masturbated with any toys and nothing has gone inside of me for so long, i'm probably going to feel like a virgin the next time i sleep with someone. complete with anxiety and tears.

i can't get happy. i used to be good at this.

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