weedfairy - Post a comment

Posted on:	9/22/09 @ 11:11 pm
Subject:	it's really september that sucks

i don't know why i hate it so much. i get to my absolute crappiest in september. pretty much i seethed and stewed in my own anger long enough to make myself sick. i took a couple days off work to mend and now i feel much better.

i really don't know why i chose to let my anger at my dads get so out of control. really any kind of validation or thanks from either of them is moot, since i fixed a lot of my actual problems. my problem with saving money has been solved. my credit is almost clean. by the end of march next year it will be completely refreshed. shortly after i am looking to rent an apartment somewhere, give myself some privacy and some space, restrict my income so that only a minuscule amount can go toward what is my main problem right now, eating. sustained anger makes for insatiable hunger. complete sadness makes for a need for treats. wasted energy makes for less physical activity. it's ok. it's keeping the boys away and that's what i need right now. at least it's keeping me away from them. i don't know why but there are still a couple of die-hards who don't seem to care how fat i get.

even the girls at work have noticed that i have been off for over a month. on the thursday after that horrible conversation with my mom, i broke down at lunch and cried in front of all of them. like popping my office cherry. they were thrilled. i'm part of the 'in' crowd now. they think i am entirely too apologetic for how i feel about things. i really am sorry that i feel this angry at my dads. it really hurts me that this is something (at least i think) i can control. i can't control how hurt i feel, but i can get over it all and stop thinking about it. that will go a long way. and i've been trying to do that almost all year. they just hit me up at a really raw moment just when i'm finding my footing but i'm not at all confident about holding my ground. being alone with them and revealing all the changes i'm going through just felt like too much to deal with. i already accidentally let it slip to my mom that i'm very seriously considering getting my tubes tied. that was a mistake. a bad mistake. because i can't explain to her that the reason i want that done is i never want to experience plan b again, and i never want to have another abortion. she doesn't know i ever had one, and i hope she never will.

tricia is having one. next wednesday. i don't know if i can go with her but i'm going to talk to my bosses about it and see if they'll give me the day off. i hope they will. i feel so bad for her. it's awful for her, and awful for her new boyfriend. and he is a boyfriend. he'll go with her, but she'd rather have me. i'd rather it be me too. i understand everything she'll go through, and i agree it is the 100% right decision for her to make so i support her completely.

i never want to go through that again. ever. i haven't had sex in six months and i do not miss a single thing about it. the funny thing about that is my sex drive is way down and my need to masturbate is WAY up. in the thermosphere. i can't get enough of myself. i also let my public hair turn into a science experiment so up until about an hour ago i was sporting some major (for me) bush. i just shaved all of that off and cut my fingernails short, so i think i'm going to have a very exciting evening.

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