weedfairy

what kind of fuckery is this?

2008-11-30T19:49:21Z

i love my family. more than anything, more than any other people, i love them most. and almost without exception, they are all a-holes. not my extended family, cousins and stuff. i'm talking about my immediate family. my parents, my brothers and my sister.

it begins with the christmas list. i'm 30 years old. i've well outgrown the christmas list. i really, really do not want any gifts. i don't need anything and i don't want anything. my sister seems to have no problem coming up with a huge list of expensive things she wants my mom to get for her. and my mom will get them all. i feel weird about asking for anything. what i want for christmas is for my family to be together and for there to be no drama. i want to hold jacob for christmas. i want my parents to stop treating me like i'm the worst of their offspring.

normally every year my siblings and their mates draw names to see who buys for who. it keeps costs down for everyone. it also pairs people up to buy for someone they're not interested in buying for. no one wants to do it this year, so amongst ourselves we decided not to exchange gifts. my mom is pissed about this. she thinks it means we don't care about each other. i call this perspective 'fucking ridiculous'......who gives a crap about exchanging presents?

next is the timing of everything. we're all children dealing with divorced parents. my sister and i have always done christmas eve with my dad and grandma, and christmas morning with my mom. the afternoons are for in-laws or significant-others families. my brothers have worked with this for years, so we've always done our collective christmas around 9-10am. my sister, however, has thrown a wrench in the works because she's arriving on christmas day and my mother has to go pick her up from the airport IN ORLANDO. this means that we will not be having christmas morning as usual, and my mom wants everything on hold so lisa can be here for it. the boys can't do that. if we wait, we'll all be together again around 8pm christmas night, and not in the mood for anything but sleeping. as it stands, my sister is taking my mother away from christmas for about four hours. already the day is rearranged just for her.

my sister has been trying to get my mother to come to new york for christmas, and so far my mother has been pretty adamant about staying in florida, because ALL OF OUR FAMILY IS HERE. but apparently my dad believes that none of us care about christmas anyway, so why not go to new york? seriously, what the fuck is this? christmas is important to me because this IS my family. if my parents leave, my brothers won't come, and i end up the bastard-child at my cousin's house. not that i wouldn't be spending christmas afternoon with all of them anyway, but it's not my core family. i'm upset about this. i think i need to talk to my grandma about it. she would probably understand.

while we're on the subject of my sister....i am completely fucking disgusted with that little bitch. i was so excited about her coming last month and we spent ZERO time together. why? because every night i left the house. why? because my dumbass sister broke out the wine bottles EVERY NIGHT so she could drink with our fucking alcoholic mother. WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK?? i wasn't sitting around in that fucking mess. that pissed me off the entire time she was here. it proves to me that she still doesn't understand the severity of our mother's condition. after twenty goddamn years, she still doesn't get it. because she's buried her head in the sand about the whole thing, and let me deal with it our whole lives. i resent that. i resent it so fucking much that it hurts.

i tried really hard to get my sister alone so we could talk a little. not about anything specific, i just wanted desperately for us to be closer. i see the future. our mother is going to be dead within ten years, and then we'll only have each other. what happens after that? we start building this awkward relationship on a foundation of separation and misunderstood feelings? i really wanted us to go to the obama rally together. we didn't so she could stay home and get snuggly with her husband. i ended up going out that night too. i should have just gone by myself. i would have found people i know, and i really regret it. it was a golden opportunity to share in something where we actually have some common ground. it was a wasted opportunity.

then over this whole racism/babysitter issue. i asked her to call me several times that week so we could talk, and she promised she would. she never did. i was trying to be understanding because matt's grandfather died that week. i knew they were dealing with some stuff. but she had time to talk to my mom several times that week. several times. her excuse for not calling me? she was too angry about what happened and she didn't want to talk about it. how selfish is that? i'm too angry about something that didn't even have anything to do with me that i refuse to talk to my sister about it, who it very much upset and affected. what kind of shit is that? what kind of fucked up bullshit is that??

my point is that my sister is a dumb, selfish bitch. and i'm sorry i've been wasting so much time trying to be close to her. and i'm sorry that i'll keep trying because my annoying sense of what family should be won't let me ignore it.

my brother told me today that last year my mom had a separate gift-opening session with my sister and her husband because she spent more money on them both and didn't want the rest of us to know about it. another reason to completely step out of the gift-circle. who cares about that shit? i mean really.

i don't care what we're doing for christmas. i'll go wherever my grandma goes, and fuck on everyone else. if they matter, they will be where we are.

i spent all weekend alone, and it's been awesome

2008-11-30T01:42:17Z

life is seeking the worst revenge possible by sending me a string of men who i can't help but be completely uninterested in, but who cannot seem to get enough of me. touché, l'univers. touché.

i'm already tired of dan. like many of the others, he was fun the first night and since then his persistent calls are only serving to annoy me. i can't think up conversation and he's overly sexual. it's a recurring problem. my sex drive is what i would consider 'normal' right now. i don't think much about sex, but i have a couple days a month where i'm really, really horny. i hit a day like that last week and had a good text-war back and forth with basil that helped take care of things and calm the savage beast. since i don't really want to sleep with anyone but him, it's making dating more interesting. these dumb boys are forced to focus on something other than getting laid so it's easy weeding out the losers. most of the are losers. the rest i just have no chemistry with. i'm not really that broken up over either.

chris made plans to hang out with me the other night and then never called. so i went over to hang with joey and adam. chris came over there with his girlfriend in tow, and then dragged me outside in the freezing cold so we could 'have a talk' together. he said he was upset because i was acting like i didn't want to be his friend anymore. i have been really annoyed with him, but not because he found a girlfriend. he needs a job. when he was working he was fun during his off-time because he'd actually relax and have fun. now, because he's unemployed, he spends every waking moment working on a project or something and never relaxes. it's annoying to hang out with him because when i work a full day i don't want to come home and do a bunch of extra work. especially with all the overtime i've been putting in. he pissed me off the other day because he called me right as i was getting off work to beg that i rush home and work on a project for him. and he wanted it done that night. it was selfish and he didn't even consider the fact he was monopolizing my time. i helped him and then as soon as we were done he hung out with the girlfriend. i felt used. we haven't played chess in a couple of months, and i'm sorry, but the fact he's not single makes it awkward being his close friend. several times i have gone over to hang out and his girlfriend ended up being there too. it's not that i don't like her, i just hate being third-wheel. hate it. and i won't do it for anyone but kym, because she sat on the couch with me next to my boyfriend for five years and i owe her.

so i told him all of these things, and he listened with begrudged understanding. then i told him the last thing i was pissed off at him for. if he was going to push and push and push for us to sleep together the night before he made it official with his girl (i had no idea we would get one shot), he should have fucked the shit out of me. and he didn't. i told him i was pissed off about that, and also that he forced me into the only one-night stand i've ever had. because even when he's single again (it's a matter of time), i won't give him a second shot. the first time was enough. it was that lame. the lamest i've ever had. all that fantasizing about those big, rough, dirty mechanic's hands and they were completely useless. all that teasing about the giant, uncircumsized cock and it wasn't even used properly. it was a waste. and i gave him a way better blow-job than he deserved.

so if i have to wait until february or march when basil gets his own place, i'll wait. because i know he will fuck the shit out of me. he'll also make out with me madly and snuggle me while i sleep. we don't antagonize each other anymore, so we have an easier time being friends. i'm probably still more eager than he is, but it cannot be denied that i have really calmed the fuck down.

this is my last week of school and then i have my final. i'm really glad. i've been writing a paper a week for 13 weeks and i'm SICK OF IT. i need to apply for graduation. the AA is done. the deadline for entry into the radiology program is in march, so i'm going to be doing as much as i can in the meantime to get into it. it's not easy and i have absolutely nothing to help me in other than my personality and persistence. more has been gotten with less so my chances are as good as anyone's.

i fell asleep on thursday night at 8:30pm and woke up around midnight in so much pain that i couldn't lay down anymore. my body was totally sore, and the problem has been that i'm stiff from not doing any yoga. my joints and muscles are all tight and seized up and uncomfortable. i've spent the past few days repairing that damage. obviously i'm gaining weight because i've been solicited for sex repeatedly lately. they always go together. i'm also losing back strength and flexibility because i've not been practicing. i put myself on the road to recovery though, and already i'm sleeping better.

thanksgiving was fun. we had it at a park and i played with the kids and ate all day. this was the first year in about five that i haven't had to work on black friday. it encouraged me to stay in my jammies all weekend. on thanksgiving day i noticed my grandma and my mother standing at opposite ends of a picnic table, gripping it and leaning on it for support because their backs hurt so back. my grandmother has scoliosis and degenerative arthritis. my mother has degenerative arthritis and a compressed and swollen disc. the kind of yoga i practice, kunalini, focuses specifically on spinal strength and suppleness. and there is no better motivation for getting back on the kundalini bus than watching the women in your family fall apart at the spine.

game-nights

2008-11-25T02:19:06Z

sweet purple monkey balls, it was a weird weekend. totally weird. and sometimes awesome.

friday night was out of control. i went over to hang out with joey, meredith, tom, and adam. adam was six beers deep when we got there and was in a jolly mood. joey got wasted almost immediately and passed out early. tom and meredith kept going downstairs to smoke. adam and i were alone next to each other on the couch. i was kinda leaned back with my eyes closed and i was tapping my foot to the music and talking. all of the sudden adam says, 'hey, you wanna look at this?' i just kept my eyes closed and was like look at what? i feel him reach for my hand and i tense up and look over at him. what are you doing?? he's whipped his cock out and is trying to get my hand around it. i'm like adam-no!adam-no!adam-no! while kinda laughing because what in the motherfuck does he think he's doing??? he's got a vice-like grip on my hand and is way stronger than me so i was losing badly. i really was trying to make him let me go but i kept laughing when he'd go, 'shhhhh....just relax. come on, you know you want to look at it. just look at it, amy.' i was laughing so hard i was crying and finally i just gave up and let him put my hand around him. i still didn't look.....but oh my fucking god dude.....NICE. adam and i are OFF-LIMITS to each other, so i told him there was no way i was going to do anything with him. we just can't. he grudgingly agreed, but then i think he was embarrassed that i turned him down, because he went to bed. he probably also went to take care of that thing. when tom and meredith came back up, tom immediately jumped in the shower. when i asked meredith why tom was in the shower, she told me they had discussed him getting a blowjob from the both of us and he was making sure he was clean. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? that obviously wasn't happening either, but tom seemed to take it well. i ended up driving him home because he lives within walking distance. he tried one more time to try to get me to do something with him, but i held my ground. the sun was coming up.

so my new secret identity is the incredible cock deflector and yes i do wear a cape. but don't spread that around. i've got a rep to protect.

also, i would like to point out my amazing feat of willpower, because i have been attracted to adam since the day i met him. and when i say he is nice....i mean he is NICE. the old me would have begged shamelessly for that deliciousness. he'd probably fuck the shit out of me too. only in my dreams.

i came strolling into the kitchen at 6:45am on saturday morning to find my dad sitting there eating breakfast. he's in a chipper mood and asks incredulously if i was just coming in. i hesitated and decided it would be better to say that i'd been home most of the night and went out to breakfast with chris early in the morning, because i was awake and hungry. both of my parents know i haven't been sleeping much for the past few months so it didn't seem odd. but i totally was just getting home, and dad, if i told you about my night you would lock me in my room. and perhaps get me a pair of babysitters.

saturday was fun. i saw aaron in the early afternoon, hung out with kym and rodney most of the evening, and then ate a meal with jon. i actually didn't end up spending much time with him, but he (naturally and predictably) didn't want to come to rodney's with me. so we didn't see much of each other. i shot a lot of pool and played darts at rodney's. i'm inconsistently awesome at both of those things, so it was a good time.

saturday night i had a date. this one's name is dan, he's from delaware, and he works for the democratic national committee. he lives in a rambling house with a BUNCH of roommates and a pack of inbred dogs that are about the cutest things i've ever seen. we spent the evening hanging out there and being entertained by the endless pageant of people and animals. we also watched a kung fu movie. he's pretty awesome. i wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't shown me photographic evidence, but joe biden is his baptismal godfather. when i told him about almost going to the rally to hear obama and clinton speak a few weeks ago, he said he wished we'd known each other, because he had a crap-load of passes. i could have gotten backstage and MET THEM FOR REAL. i asked if he has inauguration tickets. he does :) i wanna go real bad.

sunday was a LOT of fun. tricia dyed my hair for me because i hate doing it and i always miss spots. instead of drug-store dye we used developer and beauty-supply dye and it is REALLY vibrant. i LOVE it. it's as close to a crazy red as i can get without getting myself uninvited to field-trip days in court. i spend a lot of my time in the sun brushing it over my face and letting the light filter through it while the color dazzles my eyes. so awesome. we started putting the christmas tree up while i was letting it sit, and the boys showed up. the last time we were hanging out and they showed up tricia and i had mud-masks on and we were doing arts and crafts. trying to ornament a christmas tree while struggling to keep a towel securely wrapped around me was challenging, but the tree made it up without incident. we played some cards and then later went out to go bowling for nate's birthday. tricia took the cutest picture of me and dave, and i want her to send it to me. it is awesome. and i bowled a 134 the first game, which i felt was fucking kick ass. the second game i bowled an 86, which is much more typical.

every person i visited this weekend had pets. pets that gathered and frolicked around me so much that i felt like snow white everywhere i went. i petted eleven different dogs and nine different cats over the weekend. petted the fuck out of them.

good weekend :) and only two more days until the next one. and it's a double! :D

sooooo cold.....BRRRRRR!!

2008-11-20T04:52:54Z

well, i got stood up tonight. and actually it didn't suck. i wasn't really in the mood for a date to begin with. he wanted to meet up at starbucks, and i really hate starbucks. i don't drink coffee or lattes or anything like that, and they have terrible tea and hot chocolate. i got there at 7pm, which was the agreed upon time. i spent about 30 minutes talking to tricia on the phone and then once i realized i was being stood up i started talking to the people around me and having fun. i talked to this older couple for almost two hours. about a whole variety of weird topics. then i went and hung out with meredith for an hour or so. now i'm home.

i'm hungry as fuck too. i had a couple tablespoons of leftover hummus, a few broken pieces of flatbread and a cup of yogurt at lunch. that's all i've had all day. i don't know why. i've had time and opportunity to eat again, i just haven't. i haven't been in the mood. and even though i'm starving now, i don't want to eat because i'm getting ready to crawl in bed. i probably won't be hungry when i wake up. controlled malnutrition is like that.

i'm going to orlando this weekend. i'll probably hang out with jon and kym on saturday and then spend sunday with tricia and the boys. it's nate's birthday on monday, so tricia thinks we should go drunk bowling. i'm down. jose sent me a text the other day telling me to go listen to his new playlist, and when i did i noticed the last five songs were bob marley. so i invited him to come see the wailers with me at the end of january. they'll be at house of blues, as usual. and this will make the fifth time i've seen them. tickets are cheap. we're excited :)

i met chris's british, truck-driving step-dad yesterday. we watched total recall together and he told me that i sound "very posh" when i speak. i thought that was cute.

i run across a lot of weird names with my job. today's gem: excellent seance. i shit you not.

and this is a story about racism

2008-11-18T04:23:44Z

i told my brother about two weeks before my parents were going out of town that i was going to invite basil over for a night. i warned him ahead of time because my brother is a bit of a racist and i was aware that it might make him uncomfortable to have a giant black man in the house. i wanted to give him time to think about it, and time to talk about it so if he really felt that uncomfortable i could either change the plans or not invite basil at all. daniel seemed ok with things. we talked about it and i told him about basil, and that if he gave himself a chance to get to know him he might find that he had more in common with him than he does with any of my other friends, particularly from a professional perspective. he seemed willing to try.

fast-forward to one week ago. i'm standing in the kitchen eating dinner with my parents and my dad gets very serious and he goes, 'i want to ask you something and i want you to be honest with me.' ooook..... 'you've asked me twice in the past few days when we're leaving and when we're coming back, and it's made me uncomfortable. i want to know if you're planning on having a party or any guests over while we're gone.' well, i certainly wasn't planning on having a party, and i said i would like to have a couple friends over but nothing outrageous. he said to me that this is his house, and it's not to be used for me to entertain my friends in. then he said that i make terrible decisions, he doesn't trust me, and he doesn't like my friends. this totally blind-sided me, and it was something that i didn't expect so i just kinda got really meek and quiet and felt like i was going to cry. that was pretty much the end of things until the next night.

my dad left a day earlier than my mom. so tuesday afternoon before he leaves work, he starts quizzing daniel hardcore, assuming i was having a wild party and trying to get daniel to tell on me for it. daniel knew i wasn't going to have a party, so he told him repeatedly. but my dad wore him down and for some dumb reason he tells him instead that i am having someone over, and that he's black. so then my dad dropped his bombshell. he got me babysitters. he invited a young couple (younger than me) from their church to stay in our house while they were gone. they were going to make sure that i didn't do anything i wasn't supposed to do. my brother was PISSED. i know the couple and they are nice people, but daniel doesn't know them well, had never talked to them before, and was now going to have to share his house with them for a week. tuesday night he comes home and tells me about the babysitters, completely neglecting to fess up to ratting me out about basil coming.

it's wednesday night. chris is over and napping in my bed. daniel knocks on the door and wants to share a bowl. so we're sitting there and he's ranting about how mad he is that our dad is paranoid and how he couldn't believe that they'd leave babysitters for me, all this mess. then it dawns on me to ask him a question. daniel, did you tell on me about basil? '.....yeah. but it just slipped out! i don't even know why i said it.' i wasn't mad at him. he was WAY more angry at himself because he knows it was his fault we had babysitters. i was just really, really disappointed. and i was devastated that my parents think so poorly of me. i went back in my room and started crying in front of chris. he told me that my parents were being dickheads and that i shouldn't care so much what a couple of dickheads think about me, even if they are my parents. they are wrong, so fuck em. it made me feel a whole lot better.

later that night my mom comes in my room and is being really nice. she tells me about the couple coming to stay. no one had said a word to me about it until that point. i only knew because daniel told me. my mom tells me a story about how they are sharing their house with her parents and it would be nice for them to come and stay here. like having a vacation. all valid points. i didn't act surprised or disappointed. i was really nice, and the entire time i'm sitting there thinking to myself, 'i can't believe we're not going to talk about it.....' and we never did.

so by thursday i had canceled with basil, which worked out anyway because he had to work. our babysitters were in place. my brother was mad. i was indifferent because technically nothing had interfered with my plans. i was just kind of shocked that my parents went so far as to get babysitters for me. it wouldn't be enough that my brother was there or that they warned me what might happen to me if i broke their rules. my dad was so paranoid that he got babysitters so he could enjoy his vacation without worrying that i was destroying, disrespecting, and defiling his house. what that tells me is that the weed he gets through me is too good, and it makes him too paranoid, and that i should stop helping him out. he thinks it always comes from my brother. not always, and not lately.

i don't know what it's going to be like when they come home. my sister talked to my mom and apparently chewed her out. i'll be interested to see if they'll actually bring it up. on one hand i can understand their fears. i'm not racist, but there are certain people that make me uncomfortable and i wouldn't want them eating off my plates or sleeping in my beds, or soaking in my hot tub or fucking my daughter. my parents racist. a lot of people are. a LOT of people who surround me are. and while i find this completely unacceptable, at the same time i'm not willing to rage up at them over it. i'd rather gently prove to them that they are wrong, that skin color is arbitrary, and that it isn't fair to judge an entire group of people based on fears you have......and how in the fuck can you still have them when we grew up sandwiched between two extremely nice black families?? i can almost hear them if we get to arguing. it's not just because he's black, it's because we've never met him and we don't want people in our house we've never met. your argument is invalid, and here is why: you've never met travis, or jeremy, or shawn, or any of the other guys i ever had over in the middle of the night and you've never had a problem with me inviting any of them over. but they must be ok because they're all white.

i really am surrounded by racists. at home and at work. and it irritates me because skin color is such a huge thing for them and it's completely irrelevant to me. i don't have a black-guy fetish. i've always liked basil just because he is who he is. that he's a giant black man only becomes an issue when he's making fun of himself for being intimidating. like when he says he tries not to smile big at people because it looks like he's baring his teeth :) he in particular i would take if he were maimed in a horrible car accident or lost his face in a fire. it doesn't matter to me because i've always been in love with him. and it's not like he's the only non-white person who has ever been in my life. i loved (and was greatly cared for by) an entire village of black people when i lived in tobago. my best friend through junior high and high school was chinese and our other best friend was indian. my parents swallowed (not without complaining) my sister's moroccan, mildly islamic ex-boyfriend without flipping out to the extremes they've thrown down on me. i really think i'm still in shock and i'm trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation and myself. i don't want to fight about this, because we're family. and even if they are a pack of racist a-holes, i still love them. but i'm also not going to let myself or the people i care about be shit upon for unfair reasons. these kinds of things need to change.

i haven't gotten to feel the communal thrill so many people got when obama became president. i felt like dancing in the streets along with everyone else but i was and still am surrounded by close-minded, racist people who have actually shunned me for my choice. it's so stifling that it makes me crazy. i am not exaggerating when i say that almost everyone i come in contact with on a daily basis voted mccain. joey is the only person i know that i actually see and talk to who voted obama, and i suspect he wouldn't have voted at all if i weren't totally interested in the election and he didn't have a horrible crush on me that won't quit. most of my non-melbourne friends voted obama, so in order to share in the spirit, i need to get out of this town. i want to high-five an obama fan. i want to hug a hardcore obama supporter. because i am neck-deep in the racist shit right now. and this shit isn't brown, it's white. white like bird shit. i can't influence the world to stop being racist a-holes, and right now i am literally a single voice in a sea of aggressive opposition.

but this is what i was made for. when it comes to the oppressed, the down-trodden, and the underdogs, i have always stood up for what is right. even if it meant taking heavy backlash and putting myself at risk for ridicule. i have a lot more poise and control than i used to. i remember in junior high walking behind a girl who was handicapped and there was a group of kids who started making fun of her and throwing food at her and being obnoxious little shits. i got right in their faces in the middle of the cafeteria and screamed at them for being such little pricks. who the fuck do you think you are treating someone else that way? and then i got in the faces of the teachers and faculty who were supposed to be minding the shop because they DIDN'T DO ANYTHING to stop those boys. i didn't get physical so it's not like i had to be restrained or anything. but i bellowed loud enough for the rest of the cafeteria to quiet down and hear me ream those little fuckers. half of the kids were giggling at the boys for clamming up like little douches when i started raging, the other half were laughing at me and going 'holy crap, look at this crazy girl go off!' i didn't care. i was a fat nerd in school, and fat nerds do as much as possible to blend in and deflect negative attention away from themselves. not me. i was loud-mouthed, bitchy, bossy, mean, and i hated everyone except people who made it easy for me to feel compassion for. i called a lot of negative attention to myself. after that day in the cafeteria i occasionally got food thrown at me. i took a lot of verbal abuse about my appearance and my attitude. i'm taking a lot of abuse now. but i'm trying not to take it personally because the goal here is to change people's minds. gently. without hurting them. i have the ability to cut people to the bone with my words and i will go below the belt if i'm provoked. but i don't want to hurt the little idiots. i just want them to see the ways in which they are wrong. and then i want to help them fix it. because i love them.

i think my parents are coming home wednesday afternoon. i wonder if i should tell them that i have a date wednesday night. and i wonder if i should tell them that he's black.

also, as far as basil is concerned....i hope reading this doesn't offend you. it shouldn't because my parents are acting like dickheads, and who cares what a couple of dickheads think about you? i'm pretty sure this doesn't affect you. but my strongest feeling on this situation is to take the very sweetest revenge and fuck all over this house until we sexually defile it so completely that the demons are purged. i think that it's only fitting. we should make this happen, yes?

this is a story about time

2008-11-17T11:39:03Z

friday afternoon i talked to my brother at work and he mentioned he wanted to drive to titusville to see the shuttle launch later that night. naturally i was totally down with that. i asked what time he wanted to leave. he said around 6:45, as it takes about 50 minutes to get there and the launch was at 7:55. awesome. just let me know when you want to leave.

we left at 7:05. as we jumped onto i-95, it slowed to a stop at the very next exit. we were looking at each other like, 'we're not going to make it....' so i told him to cut over to us-1 and we'll get back on i-95 further north. we got onto us-1 around 7:20. daniel jumped back on to i-95 after doing 70mph through suntree (the limit is 40). once on i-95 he put the pedal down on the floor, almost got us into two wrecks, and we went 100 up to the kennedy space center exit. still doing 70 back out to us-1, we hop off and weave our way down to the boat launch where he normally goes fishing. the roads are lined with cars so haphazardly parked that there's barely room enough for us to squeeze through. we get to the boat launch and i tell him to park the car in the middle of everyone, we won't be long. we jump out and RUN to the water's edge and i hear someone in the crowd say '90 seconds.' i look at daniel and grin.

the launch was GORGEOUS. night launches are always the best, and i got to see this one from about 10 miles away. not the closest i've ever been, but there won't be many more launches at all so seeing any of them up close is a treat. we waited for the boosters to drop, daniel looked down at me and asked, 'are you over it?' and i'm like yep! let's get back to the car and beat these idiots out of here. we RAN back to the truck, hopped in, and daniel backed out at break-neck speed while i fantasized about someone opening their car door and him taking it totally off. we beat the crowd.

it was the fastest and the farthest i've ever driven for the shortest visit ever. here are pictures:

liftoff! (hat-man is missing it.)

the shuttle is the orange, the moon is the blue.

we can get into the story about why he felt the need to hustle me up to the pad for a night launch later. it's out of character for him to leave the house for anything other than work, school or fishing. but he fell in my estimations of being the coolest brother ever last week, and this was his attempt to make up for it.

stay tuned for a happy little story about racism.

i just went down to the basement

2008-11-10T23:29:19Z

11/10/2008 period started. so perfectly, perfectly timed. thankyouthankyouthankyou.

i don't have to work tomorrow :) getting all the government holidays off is so totally awesome. for this reason i do not miss retail.

i submitted my research paper last night. i'm pretty happy with it. i'm really glad it's done with so i can stop thinking about it. i don't think there's an assignment this week. i just realized i busted my ass to finish that paper by last night and it's not actually due until wednesday. still kick ass. if i'd noted the date i would be wasting my veteran's day scrambling to finish it, because i procrastinate like that. this class is almost done, and i need to apply for graduation. i'm also applying to the radiology program soon. the deadline is mid-march but it's nice to get in early. i guess if i don't get in, paralegal is my backup. i'd rather be a radiologist though. more money, more fun.

everything at work today was nice and smooth. good feelings, no drama. i'm really glad.

i wish i were hanging out with tricia tonight. i feel social, but not with anyone from the melbourne crowd. i've overdosed on them. and i really miss tricia.

i also really want to go to a concert. really badly.

tonight kicks ass

2008-11-10T04:36:49Z

my research paper is DONE. and i hardly opened the book i bought for it, so i'm going to return it and get my money back. double score!

it's been a pretty anti-social weekend because of that paper. i got some sort-of fun in on friday night hanging with meredith and adam. saturday morning i had breakfast (breakfart i text) with chris and hung out with him and joey a little before i came home to get to work. joey has been bugging me lately. he calls me too much. for inane things, like to tell me how bad the traffic he's sitting in is. or to tell me what he's doing to try to get me to come over and hang out. i made a joke about what we should do with the leftover halloween pumpkins. i said we should hike them up to the top of the causeway and roll it down to the bottom. joey will not let the idea die. i've been too busy to mess with it this weekend, and i really only meant it as a joke. i'm ready for him to drop it or do it on his own. he called me for the second time tonight to ask me to come over when i told him i was working. i'm not liking this.

my parents are actually leaving and going on vacation this week. they'll be gone for over a week. me and daniel are so fucking thrilled. as thrilled as they are to be getting away, we're just as thrilled to be getting the place to ourselves. i knew it was coming so i considered all of my social options having the house wide open for possible sexual debauchery. i feel i succeeded in the greatest coup of all, because basil is coming over for a night next weekend. he's never been here and i've fantasized about us doing it all over this house and all over the yard for years. he asked if there were any areas that are off limits. my brother's bedroom and my parent's bedroom are. everything else is wide open. i am so excited and so squirmy with sexual anticipation. things could get out of hand.

i was worried this was going to be the longest work-week ever, just because i want the weekend to get here as soon as possible. but i have tuesday off because of veterans day, and the three days in between should be quick. hopefully it will be a smooth week after the talk my office manager and i had. she's had all weekend to either think about it or give a victimizing account of what happened to anyone who will listen. i'm hoping hoping hoping that she's going to be better. i think we all are.

i got a chilly sunburn this afternoon while working on my paper out on the picnic bench. in my bathing suit. the sun baked the chill away and i could only stay out for an hour or so before i could tell i was getting too pink. maybe it's the lack of the humidity shield that makes the sun so much hotter on your skin?

whatever is going on with the weather, i think it's turning our cats into frisky little killers. last night they had another baby squirrel and goob growled at me when i walked by. as if i wanted to take that nasty little snack away from him. he took it off somewhere private, presumably so he could chew on the head. later on i went down the driveway and almost stepped on a chewed up frog. this morning it was a giant rat they'd scrounged up from the woods. it's so gross. my brother and i also heard a raccoon fight tonight. it was kinda scary-sounding. i wouldn't want to get in the middle of one.

i got all my bitchy out

2008-11-08T23:59:51Z

i think i'm just grouchy because my hormones are all out of balance. obviously friday morning started out rough because i was in a shitty frame of mind. it got better, but not because it got easier. i have a story.

we have been swamped at work, and this week with the extra overtime we were allowed, our office manager decided that instead of sticking to our own jobs we should all focus on moving the work as one massive pile so it could all get to me so i could file it and make room for the next wave. i've been sitting on mail for a couple weeks because the files are sitting around waiting for something to be done with them. so we all made the pile move so that eventually it made it back up to the paralegal and when she's done with it i can put them away. it's been a really good exercise in teamwork and we've all done a good job working together.

i think our office manager/paralegal overdid it. she's worked hard and by friday i think she was getting tired and stressed out. she has this habit of getting irritated and making degrading and demeaning remarks to one of us and making us angry or upset. the other two girls cry or get silent fit-pitching mad. i start ignoring her and am short when she speaks to me. she made a nasty comment to me when i came to drop off a stack of files about why i hadn't found any of this stuff and what was my next step going to be? she was so rude and so offensive that i just kind of stared at her for a second and then told her what i usually did, which is correct procedure. the stack of stuff i couldn't find ended up being for cases that were not referred to us, so they just get sent back to dor. i couldn't find them for a reason which resulted in the pile she snapped at me for having. i avoided her the rest of the afternoon.

late after lunch she called me into the office and asked me to shut the door. she said she noticed that i was being short with her and she didn't feel like i was doing a very good job (this is still before she realized the stuff i had was for cases we weren't assigned). she asked if there were any problems she should know about. she was uncomfortable and nasty when she said this to me. i was calm and unemotional. and i said to her that actually, yes, there is a problem. i told her that i wasn't lazy or stupid, and the way she spoke to me at times was completely unacceptable. i told her she was degrading and demeaning and hurtful, and she didn't apologize even after she realized she was wrong about things. i pointed out that if i've ever been short with her, it was immediately following and incident in which i felt she completely disrespected me. i stopped and gave her a chance to talk. she was still kind of haughty and said that well, she was sorry that she did that, she gets stressed out and doesn't mean to make anyone feel bad. i told her that i agreed, that i didn't think she did it on purpose. i told her i didn't think she realized she did it at all. but i've noticed her treating all of us in that manner at some point, and i can't speak for the other girls, but i didn't like or approve of it. i apologized for my shortness, but i did not agree that my performance was poor. we've all been under a mountain of work and she specifically instructed me to let the piles build up while we all help push the mountain around. i told her then that i thought half the pile was stuff that wasn't for us anyway, so that there was a lot less than there seemed. she conceded and said that really i was just so unemotional at work she can't tell how i feel about her.

this is when i decided to just throw it all out there. i told her it isn't important how i feel about her personally. work isn't like that. we need to be pleasant and friendly and helpful to each other, but try to keep our personalities as toned down as we can. we're a small office and the four of us are alone together for 40 hours a week. that week 50+. the fact is i don't dislike her personally. she's kinda loud and obnoxious, but she's lively and it makes the office not boring. i told her i really liked my job and i think we have a good team of people. i told her i thought she did a great job making the work get done. but i felt that one of the biggest problems in the office was that she gossips WAY TOO MUCH. i told her that she talks about her friends, her family, people she works with at her other job, people who used to work in our office, OUR BOSSES.....and i then i told her that last one was the worst. she could NOT express any personal opinions about our attorney or his wife to anyone who worked there. it was totally out of line, and as the office manager, she has to set an example. she denied that she ever said anything about either of them. i pointed out that just the day before she had warned us that a paralegal who was personal friends with the wife was coming to help out so we needed to watch what we say about both of them while she was here. just YESTERDAY. and i pointed out that she made one of the other girls obsessed and upset over the fact the attorney's wife gives herself a paycheck when she only comes in once ever two weeks, and she and i make so little money. i don't care about this really. i make what i make and i don't worry about what other people make. it's not my business. our office manager was like, 'oh yeah, she pays herself for full time and hardly ever comes in anymore.' she should NEVER speak like that. i told her that stuff had to stop or she was going to get in trouble. i told her that i think she'll make an awesome office manager, we just need to work out a few kinks. running her mouth and not watching her temper when dealing with us were two things that needed fixing, and i told her i know that no one has ever confronted her with this before. i told her i didn't know her work history, but i was sure she hadn't managed people before. you've got to be gentle and make people want to work for you. you've got to be willing to uncomplainingly doing the crappiest job there is. you have to be diplomatic and supportive of your uppers, because you need them to support you.

she was crying by this point, so i stopped. she said she felt embarrassed and stupid. she was the office manager having to be told how to do her job by the file clerk. i just shrugged and told her i had a different kind of work experience. she can learn. she said she couldn't believe that she felt like she was the one who was getting in trouble. then she said that if i caught her talking to one of us like that again, she wanted me to say something. i said ok, that was fair. i asked her if she wanted me to do it in front of everyone or wait until we were alone to address it. she told me to call her out right there in front of everyone. so i will. i won't be nasty about it. just kinda like whoooa baby, calm down now. kinda light and a little humorous. and i told her i'd stop being short with her and would do a really good job so we'd stay caught up. i really am a peacemaker, it just sometimes feels like getting blind-sided by a mack truck.

later that night, one of the other women called me to find out what happened. i told her. and she told me the office manager had called the other woman who works with us and told her what happened too. she told me that the other girl told our office manager that it seemed like she had two choices, either deal with my attitude or be honest and confess to our bosses all the things she's said about them. i thought that was interesting and fair. i asked if that other woman was upset with me, and she told me no, that she was also a peacemaker and just wanted to see things get righted. i liked that. she also told me that our office manager is intimidated by me, and that all the other girls who have ever worked in that office are always worried about if they're doing a good enough job and whether or not our office manager likes them or is mad at them. i don't care about any of that. and she told the other girl that i was going to teach her how to get a better office manager. whether she was being sarcastic or not, she's right. i am going to teach her. because i'd rather she be good at her job because she is a known quantity. if she got fired because she ran her mouth and someone got disgruntled and told on her, we could get stuck with someone who is truly bad. she's not bad at all, she just has a couple of things to work on. like all of us.

later in the day she came to me and apologized about snapping at me for the piles. a huge chunk was going back to dor and we were all caught up. she was really nice the rest of the day, and i was really friendly and helpful and jocular. we work monday but then have tuesday off for veterans day. i was kinda bummed out about only getting a weeks vacation a year after i'd been there. but we get every government holiday off too, which adds up to several more days throughout the year. i can't complain :) and i really do love my job.

last night i hung out with meredith, adam, and meredith's two friends. i avoided doing too much drinking. adam kept trying to get me to break off from the group and go hang out with him in his room. i told him that would start way too many rumors, especially with this crowd. at one point one of meredith's friends was asking me if i was hooking up with joey. and i said NO, he and i were only friends, and joey knows that. then when the three of them went downstairs for the 100th time (smokers *shakinmyhead*) and adam and i were alone again i was like SEE THAT SHIT?? so no, as kinda cool as it might be to go hang out and play with ninja turtle action figures in your room with the door shut (truly that would be the extent), we can't. later as everyone else started passing out (i fake-slept through the kissing games because i didn't want to kiss anyone there) he asked if wanted to lay down in his room. that's about the time i came home and got in my own bed. and it was a good night's sleep :)

fuck you guys too

2008-11-07T11:21:14Z

also pricking my skin: wanting so badly to feel excited about obama being president, and being surrounded by racist a-holes at work and at home. florida may be a blue state now, but brevard county is still as red as the devil's dick.

good morning? no.

2008-11-07T11:07:07Z

holy crap. i just slept for 11 hours. since i haven't slept for more than 4 hours in a couple months i guess i was due. i don't know what's wrong with me. other than i'm unhappy.

i worked for 12 hours on wednesday. i'm trying to avoid having to work saturday. i don't want to do anything this weekend except for work on my research paper. and possibly hang out with philip if he wants to come up for a night. i don't want to see or talk to anyone else. i'm just not in the mood.

so the night after chris and i slept together he slept with the girl he really likes. i knew it was coming, so i wasn't upset about it. but i'm not doing it with him again while he's messing with her. we talked about it the other night and he said he'd been a wreck thinking i was going to stop being his friend, the other girl was going to find out and hate him, all kinds of stupidness. having conversations with guys about the girls they really like after they've slept with me if old-hat. familiar ground. we know this song. i take it like a pro.

what is really bothering me is that he was the one person i could talk to about how i feel alone and i can't seem to make myself like anyone. he was in the same position. not anymore. so there went that connection. he keeps half-joking that it would be ok if i gave him a blow job. no it wouldn't. especially not since the girl he likes is really nice, and doesn't deserve that bullshit.

i'm getting really sick of people patronizing me when i try to talk to them about this by saying, 'oh, you'll find someone eventually.' just pooh-poohing me. fuck you guys. it's only you fucking morons in relationships that say inane things like that. i cannot stand being patronized. there aren't always happy endings, and it's perfectly possible that i won't find anyone. ever. what i would like is for someone to recognize that so we can have a discussion of what life could look like for me as a forever single person. i can't even explore that idea because i get that lame fucking response whenever i try to talk about how i feel.

i told chris the other night that i was ripe for a good relationship, marriage, having a family. i was ripe. and now i'm starting to go rotten. he said i was being really down on myself, but he understood why because he does it too. do you still understand now that you're exploring a relationship you've been interested in cultivating for years? no you don't. you don't feel the pangs.

i guess it was slow coming dawning on me that i'm kind of a loner. i like to do stuff with people, but i also like to break off from the groups and be alone. and when i'm engaged i'm not actually very connected. i don't think i know how to connect anymore. maybe i never really did.

also, my period never came. not because there is any danger that i'm pregnant. just because it's still fucked from may.

picture pages

2008-11-04T01:11:48Z

from the weekend:

my brother phillip, me, and my sister-in-law kristi

me and my mom

in-law sandwich, capri suns for everyone! matt is fake-drinking, because he gulped his down in one shot.

his wild eyes scare me!

me, jacob, and my cousin kevin (jacob's daddy).

awwww :) and there's half my grandma's head over there on the right.

half of my step-dad, and me and jacob are 'all done!'

we know we're your favorites.

signing my dad's marriage certificate. with my serious face on.

and the big news for today: i got keys to the office and authorization to work unlimited overtime until we are all caught up. so guess what i'm doing all week? :)

hot pumpkins would make a good band name

2008-11-03T05:06:22Z

so my period never really came. i spotted pink for two days and that was it.

i went to court on thursday, which was totally fucking awesome and i don't know why i'm not a lawyer. i only went to observe, and it was probably the most interesting work day i've ever had. it also made me decide that i'd like to be a paralegal (a real one, not just a clerk doing the work of a paralegal) and if i can manage it in the future, get a law degree. i really would make an excellent lawyer. we weren't in a courtroom. it was just a conference room with a couple of computers set up. the hearing officer sat at the head of the table, the court reporter next to her, then my boss, and next to him the person representing the department of revenue. the petitioner sat at the foot of the table, the respondent in the middle opposite my boss. the deputy sits next to the petitioner. we all sat in chairs in the corners of the room. i watched one guy get arrested right in front of me and led away to jail. he was also a convicted sex offender so it was even more awesome to see him led away in cuffs. after lunch i was sitting out in the hallway with the riff-raff and opposite me was a guy and his mom all dressed in black like they were going to a high-class mafia funeral. mom was tan-tan-tan and dyed her hair jet black. both of them had gold jewelry and mess all over them. when i went back into the room the judge asked me if i was enjoying the day. i told her it was fascinating, and i couldn't wait to hear the next case because of all the jewelry the guy was wearing and his nasty little attitude. when my boss is doing writ pickups he asks the same arsenal of questions: do you have any tools? do you have any jewelry? do you have any furniture? etc, etc, etc....then he tells them that they need to sell that shit to stay out of jail today. if they're lying and they have money in their pockets they didn't report, they will be guilty of perjury as well as contempt. that douchebag walked in and had taken off every scrap of jewelry. you could see the fattened tan lines on his fingers from where his rings had been. i looked at the judge when i saw that and she winked at me. she sees that shit every day. these people have no shame. they are scum.

this weekend was TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME.

saturday we had a family cookout and i held jacob all day. i give everyone a little chance to hold him, but i end up with him for most of the day because he's mine and he loves me most. we even took a little nap together later in the afternoon. there are pictures of it all. really cute pictures :) i am so in love with that baby.

today was my dad's wedding. i have never cried during a wedding ceremony in my life, but i was a mess during my dad's. i was just so happy for them both and so proud of my dad for making everything so perfect. the only thing that didn't cooperate was the weather. they meant to have the ceremony right on the beach but it rained all night last night and all day today so it wasn't looking good. they ended up having it on the deck just outside the reception hall when we got a tiny break in the weather. everything turned out really nice. me, lisa, and matt helped my dad and debbie break everything down, load it up and follow them back to the house to unload. on the way there chris called me to ask if i'd come up to lowe's to help him with something. i told him if he met me at my dad's and helped unload stuff, then sure. he was going to beat us there so i told him to just walk up to my dad, tell him he was a friend of mine, and start helping. by the time we got there they'd unloaded everything from the truck. pretty awesome :) i liked that he did that without feeling awkward about it.

and last night he and i slept together. the amazing thing is that it actually righted some of the awkwardness that's been between us lately. the other amazing thing is that i'm not sure that we'll do it again. i mean we might. don't get me wrong, it felt fantastic, but it also didn't change anything in a dramatic way. it just felt natural. i feel like we're normal friends again. weird how that works out. it was mainly let's-try-this-and-see-how-it-feels sex. nothing too crazy or aggressive. in fact i could tell something was up with him when we went to watch a movie and he locked the door behind him. he never does that. he's always said he has a really hard time initiating things with girls, so i didn't help him a bit. i made him initiate it all, and then afterward i told him i was really proud of him. he said i gave him the best bj he's ever had...but they all say that. he did have the shuddering high-pitched giggles, so he may have been telling the truth. it helps to love what you do. he's not allowed to tell anyone that we slept together. i really don't want joey to know about that. i think he'd be really hurt.

me and my sister at our dad's wedding today:

all this fabulosity, and it's cold :(

2008-10-27T05:38:13Z

my period has not actually started. i'm just lame fucking spotting again.

know what else is lame? giving a couple of your friends the impression that you've been getting laid when you haven't. just to take the social pressure off. i'm truly not interested. if i did it i would only be doing it for the snuggling and sleeping together afterwards. and that's not a good reason.

237.229.119.70.cfl.res.rr.com...are you learning a lot? because you sure are reading a lot.

my sister-in-law came over with my brother the night my sister and her husband got here. my sister and her husband want to take one more vacation together and then start having babies. my sister-in-law is due on valentine's day. they all look over at me and someone says, 'you're next!' to which someone else said, 'oh wait, you need a MAN first!' there were a couple other painful jests and i laughed it off while feeling all my insides just ball up like i was going to puke. yeah, i'm a little sensitive about that.

i'm also grouchy because i got teased and messed with all weekend by (a) certain people(s) who should be leaving me the hell alone.

i'd been talking to my brother about moving in together if i can find a higher paying job. then he tells me the other day he's probably going to move in with his girlfriend instead. ouch.

so i don't know what i'm going to do. if i weren't an optimist, i wouldn't bother even getting out of bed in the morning. even optimists get depressed i guess, and there are much worse things than being so alone.

some junk and some stuff

2008-10-23T23:01:44Z

10/23/2008 period started. kinda. it's spotting with a punch. in the ovaries.

my sister and matt get here tomorrow! i am so excited to see them :) everyone is going to the eau gallie/palm bay football game, and i think i might go too. my mom went to eau gallie. on halloween me and joey and chris are supposed to go to the palm bay/melbourne game. i graduated from palm bay, the boys went to mel-high. we were rivals, so i think it should be a good time. we're supposed to carve pumpkins and go bike riding this weekend. i'm excited about all of that.

i have been up for 36 hours. last night i came home from work and worked on my research paper until about 9:30. chris and joey went to the gym together and we hung out when they finished. chris and i are trying to figure out how to make my airbag light stop flashing without taking it into the shop and hooking it up to a diagnostic machine. what we tried last night did not work, but he sent me a text today saying he had another thing to try. the weather has been SO NICE this week. we took a walk around 2am and it was the perfect temperature out and slightly breezy. we also had an awesome conversation about how light and sound travel which i researched further when i got home a little after 3am. i decided if i went to sleep i wasn't going to wake up at 6. so i just stayed up. i'm still up. i'm starting to feel tired but i'm also jacked up and loopy from being awake for so long. i can only imagine that when i crash tonight, it's going to be hard.

dear hottest-boy-i've-ever-seen-in-melbourne:

i saw you in 7-11 last night. you were with your rowdy friend who was buying energy drinks and cigarettes. you bought juice. i liked that. your bald head, gorgeous eyes, and perfectly beaky nose made me quiver and stare. also, the darth vader action tat on your calf was totally fucking awesome. that guy i was with who bought me chocolate milk, he wasn't my boyfriend. and oh my fucking god, you are the hottest thing i've seen in this town in years. if i'd been alone and you'd been alone, i so would have talked to you. at the very least i would have told you how much i was loving your kick-ass ink. i could not look away.

sincerely,
girl-with-the-dirty-paw-prints-on-her-skirt

i could crawl into bed right now. but if i go to chris's house i get to play nintendo. decisions, decisions. *EDIT:* joey wins because he called me back first.

there are no simple gestures

2008-10-22T03:33:25Z

you may thank dana and my brother daniel. daniel got me high tonight, and dana said she missed me. i missed me too. and i missed you. so...as though nothing ever happened......

this is an email i got today:

Things are good, our new site should be going live soon. We are suing the first company cause they did such a shitty job but we learned a ton so the end product will be light years better. Let me know if you wanna meet up for a drink sometime if ya want cause things are pretty boring these days. I dont think we should have ended things so negatively - I really cant even remember why? It seems so trivial when i think about how cool you are and how much fun i had with ya :)

-kennan

and just in case i hesitate to remember exactly why we stopped talking:

http://heatsikher.deadjournal.com/19258.html#cutid1

i'm almost embarrassed to say that this upcoming presidential election is actually causing a rift between my mother and i. she is so hopped up on anti-obama propaganda that she got angry at me tonight because i am going to vote for him. she was ugly. i don't remember the things she said but i do distinctly remember her using the phrase 'he's a fucking muslim' at least twice. this is where i stopped her dead. i told her that i was disgusted with her mouth and that i would like to see her walk into her church on sunday and spew those words to the people of her congregation. she was so fired up stupid that she actually said she would and wouldn't have a problem with it. i really am utterly disgusted with her.

a few days ago she tried to throw that bullshit propaganda at me about the obamas not saluting the flag. i said that i wouldn't do it either. my step-dad interjected at that point and tried to lay it on me about how would my grandfathers and my father, who are all war veterans (ww2, korea, vietnam), feel about me saying that? how could i have such little respect for what they fought for? i just sat and listened and planned my rebuttal carefully. both of my parents were heatedly talking at me and somehow they went off on a tangent about how they don't give a shit about the iraqi people and who cares if the entire middle east just blows itself up and how we should seal our borders....blahblahblah. still i sat and listened. they began to run down and that is when i started up.

you know why i don't give a fuck about saluting a flag? because it's a fucking flag. it's a symbol of an idea, and i don't get emotional about abstract ideas. if i saluted the flag i would be miming something that i don't feel, and i don't think i should do something that i don't truly feel. it's the same as sitting in church as a teenager and watching as the entire congregation lowered their heads, closed their eyes, and raised their hands toward the stage while saying 'amen jesus' over and over. if i had joined into that i would be so concerned about how ridiculous i felt i wouldn't even have room in my mind for god. i'm not putting on a show just to fit in. now what i do get emotional about is people. and i care about those iraqi people who are suffering so much more than any encapsulated american has ever had to suffer. the same as i care about my grandfathers and my father who fought for my right to not salute the flag if i don't feel it in my heart. freedom cuts both ways. you are free to salute and i am free to not.

and about sealing the borders....what made this country great is the fact our borders are open to anyone, and your ancestors were once immigrants in this country too. freedom is worth the risk of letting in a handful of nutjobs who might blow up a supermarket or a subway here or there. it's worth the risk. because what comes with that are people like you and me. regular people trying to create a successful life in the land of opportunity. no, i don't love my country. my country is an idea, an intangible myth. i love the people who are in it. and i love the people of other countries just as much. because before we are citizens of any nation we are humans. and i love humans. the god you worship loves humans. and your god made barack obama. if you believe in everything he is supposed to be, he made barack obama in the same way he made you. and if barack obama exercises his american-born freedom and does not salute the flag, that is exactly what my grandfathers and father fought for. who believes more in freedom: the man who chooses to go against the grain and not salute a flag because of the totality of what it symbolizes, or the man who chooses to tell you that you are not a patriot unless you salute it because of what it means to him? that sounds a little more like nazi germany to me.

how would the world be different if instead of saluting every time a flag was raised, people turned to hug their neighbor?

this is the end, my friends

2007-10-24T14:46:44Z

this has all been lots of fun, and now it's time for me to go. come along if you'd like. i'd love for you to be there.

thanks for reading and thanks for playing :)

the end is nigh

2007-10-22T01:28:43Z

and so is the beginning.

there won't be many more entries written here, but i have created a new journal. it's not ready to be written in yet because i have make it visually comfortable and make new icons, edit my interests....all that stuff. i just don't have time right now. i'm working on a million other things.

but when i move over to the new one, i want you to come with me. some of you have been with me for years and i want to keep reading you. some of you are fairly new and i don't want to give you up. i'm not going to speculate on the changes in content, but i can tell you that i will be completely stone-sober as i write going into the future. i'm interested in watching things change. if you are too, add me again. heatsikher.

the past two days have been difficult. working saturday was maddening. i was up all night friday talking to david. i've had some crazy call durations, but that one went like this: 06:06:28 *flashflash* time stood still. i'd try to describe parts of the conversation or explain some of the things we talked about, but for once i feel like that's private information. only he and i existed for all those hours, and that's how i want it to remain. after we hung up i couldn't sleep. i was laying down with my eyes closed, not really thinking of anything. i was just feeling really good. the new username popped into my head and i was like, 'that's it.' so i got up and spent the rest of the time before work messing with that.

i've never had a day at work like that either. all day long i felt like i was just wasting my time when i should have been working on things that really matter to my life. for the first time i got the sense of my job as being a source for money only. it was a grind. i was restless and agitated that i couldn't be home and working on personal things. but i need money to live so i just have to figure out how to make it all work together. there's a lot of time that was previously spent just fucking around that can now be spent doing productive things.

i had today off, and as much as i wanted to dig in and start with the new journal, i needed yoga more. that's a struggle too. i'm getting frustrated because i need guidance while i'm this out of practice. i've got two options and i'll probably do them both. i'm going to buy a new dvd player for my computer. i can't watch any dvds on it, and haven't been able to in a long time. it still works as far as reading and grabbing data, but it won't play a dvd. once i buy that and get it installed, and get a dvd copy of my favorite yoga routine, i'll be set. or we may have the ability at the house to turn vhs into dvd. i'll ask for my dad's help there. and option two is suck it up and go join a yoga studio.

i hate the idea of yoga in a studio. when i was taking it with guru beant we had it in a crappy discount gym and it was $5. every saturday morning at 11am. we turned the lights and the fans off and everyone wore loose-fitting cottons, not leotards and workout gear. thursday nights we had class outside in a park downtown. there are a few places in melbourne that offer classes. i think the one i'm most interested in offers a free introductory class and a 6-weeks posture training class for $55. thursday nights, which is exactly when i have time. it's ashtanga and hatha, which is a little different from kundalini. also, i believe there is a place that teaches bikram beachside. i've never tried bikram, but anything that combines 100-degree heat and body movement is something i want to check out.

what i'm finding as i try to follow my own routines is that i can't remember all of the things i'm supposed to be doing while getting into the poses unless someone is reminding me. it seems silly, but i need to be TOLD to breathe. i do it at home by myself now and i'm not breathing at all like i should be. i need someone to remind me to keep my shoulders down and not to arch my back, keep my eyes rolled up and my jaw and tongue relaxed. all these little alignment details. pretty much i've forgotten and i need to be retaught.

so thursday will be busy. i'll spend the day flashing back 10 years and installing hardware and then i'll go up and try a free class around five. if i like it then i'll sign up for the 6-week postures program.

i also want to buy (or find) a nice slr camera. not a new one. what i really want is an old nikon f-series, one that makes very satisfyingly mechanical clicks and whirs. but it's probably going to take some time to save up money for that. that's ok though. i don't need it right now and it will be more satisfying to earn it......with what would have been weed money.

i haven't slept more than about four hours in three days. i'm not tired and i don't know why but i should probably get in bed soon. i had a horrible dream while i slept the last time, which is strange because i never dream. it was really, really bad though. very violent and bloody and frightening. lots of human suffering. maybe the idea of sleeping is making me nervous. i have so much energy i seriously feel like i could get up and run around the house a couple times right now. instead i think i'll crank up a little music, dance around until i wear myself out, swim off the sweat, and then go to bed. if i can't sleep then, i'll read. me and agatha can fall asleep together tonight. if all else fails i will sexually assault myself repeatedly until i pass out.

how was i ever bored before all this? i need a lot more time and little bit more money. unfortunately to get one you have to give up the other.

i feel like this entry could go on forever.

customer complaint

2007-10-19T04:45:38Z

i actually got a customer complaint filed against me at corporate this week. and when i found out about it i don't think i could have laughed harder.

this woman called in about a month ago and talked to brittany. she told her that something we'd framed for her had fallen off the wall and almost hit her baby (red flag) and wanted to know if we were going to fix it. brittany was a little freaked out but told her i'd be in the next day if she wanted to come in or call back. she comes in while i'm working the next morning and has this big thick frame in tow, totally shattered at the bottom. the glass was seemingly miraculously in-tact until i pulled thing apart and found the mitre to be made of industrial syrofoam covered in thick polyurethane. first thing i told her was that this wasn't our frame. it was made by scan design, so if she had any issues with it leaping off the wall and hitting her babies, she'd have to take it up with them. also there was no way for me to repair what she had with the mitres being shattered as they were. she'd have to get new frames.

i spent 45 minutes with her picking out a frame. she didn't want to buy glass, she only wanted to pay for the frame. normally we do not give discounts unless it's for a full framing order. but we were doing the tiered-dollar-off deal that week so i fudged a couple of the numbers to push her up over $200 so i could give her $100 off. i didn't have to do that. i also ended up replacing the glass on both those pieces just to be nice. the glass that was on them was shit and it had been sticking to the mat so there were imprints on it. the piece that broke was one of a pair, so she had two done. the total for each was $112.

this crazy bitch came in the next week and because we were having the 50% off sale she demanded that i refund her the difference between what she paid and what she would have paid if she came this week. that amounted to $16. i just wanted her out of my face at that point so i didn't even argue with her. i just did it and shooed her off.

she came in again tuesday with two canvases. i explained to her that canvas was different than framing the last pieces she'd had done. they both needed stretcher bars and she'd have to pay the minimum for labor to have it stretched. her total per piece came to around $185.

it was right about then that she flipped out on me. she didn't understand how these were the same size as the others she had done, and why they were so much more.....i just got done explaining that, right? she accused me of price gouging, hiking up the prices and then cutting them in half to make her think she was getting a deal when she wasn't. i wasn't at all rude to her because i was actually rather taken aback by her outburst. i told her that she was wrong, that i had no control over the pricing. i entered the numbers in the computer and it calculates everything and there's a total. i don't make commission so there was no practical reason for trying to squeeze more money out of her. then she told me that i was being rude and insulting and i was lying to her. at that point i told her that if that's how she felt i thought she ought to find somewhere else to take her business. i reminded her that i'd helped her a lot with her previous orders and given her a refund i wasn't technically supposed to give her and that i didn't appreciate being treated like this after all of that. she stormed off and hit up gordon on the way out. he was on register and didn't even look at her when she was bitching. he just barked that he didn't control the prices and if she had a problem to take it up with corporate, waved her away. call 1-800-michaels ma'am. and so she did.

around lunchtime i get a call and it's a woman from corporate. she sounds weary and tells me before she even starts that her supervisor and their manager are already on 'my side'...which makes me snicker a little. she tells me to give her an account of what happened. i tell her about it and she asks me to fax her copies of the original orders i did for the woman and the estimates for the pieces she'd brought in that morning. i said i would and then explained the details of the glass replacement, the refund, the manipulating of the numbers to help her get a better discount. after all that the lady was like, whoa...she never said anything about that. GREAT. and i mentioned that in our initial contact the woman insisted one of our pieces fell off the wall and almost hit her baby when it wasn't our piece. we were both kind of laughing there at the end. kinda fun :)

the saddest part of this whole story is this woman obviously spends her whole day dragging around her mute, expressionless elderly mother who obviously doesn't speak a word of english while she hits up all the retail stores and tries to get more than she deserves by being a customer service nightmare. she probably doesn't even realize what's going on. she just stands there, mute and expressionless. they don't even talk to each other.

vahe called me today to see how i was doing. i thought that was nice. aaron also called me today to tell me he was going to give me a glass piece matt had given him because it was extra and he thought vahe might want it. vahe and i were planning on going shopping together but we're never going to have the same day off so this will work out much better. of course now that i've decided to stop smoking pot my own stuff is useless to me. i'll see what aaron has and if mine is nicer i'll give mine to vahe. and i'll still sneak out to the car with him on breaks and sit with him while he hits it. i just won't join in. and i'll still hook him up as long as i remain friends with tim, who incidentally hit me up for sex today. that took a lot longer than i thought it would. but i turned it down. now is not a good time.

the only thing i'm keeping is my bong. but i'm getting rid of the bowls and the female piece so it will essentially become a vase. a rather gorgeous vase, with a little pinky-sized hole drilled into it that you'll never notice unless you try to overfill it with water.

in other positive recycling news, i gave my mom a bag of cough drops i bought to play with while i was rolling. because she's really sick and needs them for what they're meant for. i like this game. i'm thinking of going through some of my things and purging all the crap i don't need. i'm holding on to some weird stuff, so perhaps a little tangible action will help kick in the mental mimic and i can get rid of some emotional crap at the same time.

i spent most of the afternoon sweating in the sun and stretching out all the places on my body that feel tight. so pretty much everything. i've been so rigid with tension lately that my muscles hurt like i've been working out, which kind of freaks me out. this kind of tension feels explosively kinetic, like it wants to come out in a violent burst. i can't have that, so spending three hours gently coaxing my muscles into a convalescent state of relaxation was a much better alternative. i feel much more limber and flexible and comfortable. no more nausea. i ate a little something finally tonight. i'm about to go get in the hot tub. after turning down all requests from others to join in. funny how i don't give a shit about all that right now. i just want to fix things.

you fix things that are broken. i get it now.

i'm gonna need a new username.

turn and face the strain

2007-10-18T17:30:39Z

life did not change the other night. not dramatically at least. instead what presented itself was an opportunity to change. actually, someone finally offered to help which is exactly the thing i've been waiting for. i've been wanting someone else to show interest in me, my life, and where it's going. and so what i experienced is as this person was reaching out to me and loving me i was having the hardest time feeling much of anything emotionally in return.

i haven't felt anything in a long time. and i'm willing to believe that maybe i've never really felt anything in absolute verity. all those synapses have been firing in all the wrong directions and so now they're going to be have to be completely retrained. if i let them. it's hard.

the physical effects are fun. waves of nausea roll through me several times a day. it's particularly acute when i'm in bed. waking up and falling asleep has been fantastic. just laying there until your roiling belly wears you out or makes you get up. it's sick.

i've also been feeling really sad. i haven't been sobbing, but the tears will just roll down my face. i'm good when i'm with other people. at work, no problem. the minute i leave to go on my lunch break and i'm alone, tears. driving home, tears. right now, because i'm home alone and there's no one to talk to, tears. but i need this because i need to talk about all this with myself. i've ignored it all for a long time.

it all hurts a lot. there's a spot under my sternum that aches so badly sometimes i feel like i'm turning inside out. it's not completely indefinable, but it's such a mass of suppressed emotion that there's really no point in trying to analyze any of it. it's memories of every little thing in my life that ever hurt me that i wrote down, stuffed into the random pages of a book and put back on the shelf. so i wouldn't have to deal with it.

i'm angry too. but the anger, unlike the sadness, is harder to pinpoint. the anger is harder on my health too. imagine letting your emotions build to the point that you actually want to explode and punch a wall. when that feeling comes up, i will immediately resort to getting high to distract me from it. the energy never goes anywhere, it just increases in density as i crush it and weighs heavier in my chest.

right now, in the middle of typing this, i'm getting instant messages asking me to come over for sex. and i woke up to text messages from a different person fishing for the same thing. it doesn't even matter who they are anymore. they're the same. and i'm trying to be nice and fend it off without really letting anyone know that it's killing me to be asked for that when i feel like this. can't talk about those kind of things with them. it's fucking and nothing but. my suppression is hard-kicked in and when i should really be telling these men the truth, i'm just begging off to let them fade away. the truth is i'm poisoned with loveless sex and i need to detox. i want to stop.

i think i've been angry that i've wanted to stop for a long time and haven't been able to give it up. i've been thinking i was angry because i've told myself that i've been treated badly. but i was using those guys for something i couldn't define in the same way they were using me. there's no reason to take offense to that because neither of us found what we were looking for. even if the break was bad. the drama doesn't matter. drama is attempting to generate or perpetuate an emotion past it's expiration date. when they're done you should just let them go. i haven't been doing that. i've really been frustrated and angry that i haven't been able to find what i'm looking for. and now that i've found it, i'm frustrated and angry AND sad that i can't connect.

i know if make the changes i'm offered, he'll stick with me. i am not living as the person i really am, and now that i see that i'm completely overcome with sadness for that. he can see that too, and because the love he's sending my way isn't resonating and coming back to him, i see the sadness in his eyes and it breaks my heart. this kind of pain is so much more intense than anything i've felt in a long time. i'm sick with it. my body and my mind are roiling.

it's impossible to have fantastic sex under these circumstances. it's easy to have fantastic sex when all you and the other person want is some nice straight up fucking. but when someone wants to love you and connect with you on a level you're not on yet, it's not as fantastic as it could be. nearly those exact words were spoken to me. they pierced me. truth does that. all this foulness is now leaking out and while the process is disgusting and uncomfortable, and i'm afraid of what comes next, it's a sickly kind of relief.

i'm struggling to quiet all the noise inside me so i can focus. i can't focus on anything. part of the problem is being high all the time. it's so easy to be distracted and hop from one thing to another with an elevated sense of contentment. it's not a bad space. i needed to be there for a reason. but i need more than this now. i need to live and feel. i need to take good care of myself so i can start taking good care of others, because that's what i really want to do with my life. i want to take care of and love other people. i'm not capable of doing that well right now. i can give it all i've got and it's not anywhere near what i could be giving if i were opened up and things were flowing as they should be.

so pot is going to have to go. i'm emotionally attached to it because it tempers my feelings. it's put a layer of film over me. a layer of film that's covering up a thicker layer of emotional fat. i've been deliberately and consciously gaining weight for the past year and half. i've gained 40# and am sitting at 265 right now. factor in that i'm about seven pounds lighter than i was a couple weeks ago and i was only three pounds short of the heaviest i've ever been. i don't physically ache in the same ways as i did the last time i was this heavy because limbering up through yoga in between last time and now has strengthened my back and i've worked very physical jobs that have kept the rest of my muscles warm. i don't feel AWFUL, but i know i look it. i haven't cared about that because have intentionally not wanted to lose weight because i wanted to find someone who #1 didn't care what i looked like either way and #2 wanted to help me get in shape because of the positive impact it will have on the rest of my life. i don't need someone to help me lose weight so i can be hot for them. i want help so things can start happening that i never could imagine were possible before.

i have always felt the twinges of the things that were possible. i know there are parts of me that are open to things that not a lot of other people are open to. but with all these layers all wrapped around me, there's not much i can do to receive anything i want.

when i went into work yesterday i'd been talking on the phone to david and crying. i didn't look good and i was definitely not my normal positive self. i looked totally defeated. three people were immediately up my ass for things as soon as i walked in the door and i was thankful for the relief of the distraction from my emotional turmoil. i slipped into work-mode and did my machine-like processing of details and problems, bringing order to the chaos in ways i can't do for myself in my own life. frustrating. and when i finally got back into the shop and was alone with vahe, he put everything down and asked me very seriously what was wrong with me. and so i told him the truth. i can't connect with someone who is trying to love me and it's making me sick.

and vahe got very angry with me. he has been telling me for months that i don't understand how it works. that i can't just look at a person and say they're the one i'm going to love because they love me. he tells me when someone comes around and you find you truly love them, there is nothing that you can do to stop yourself from going after it. if it is real and true there is nothing in the entire world, inside or outside of yourself that can cause you to not pursue it.

i don't think that he's wrong. but what he's saying and what david are saying seem diametrically opposed to each other. i'm trying to reconcile them, because i believe in both things. i understand and believe in a lot of things, but i don't feel them to be real to me. they exist, yes, but for other people. i'm trying to identify the things that exist for me. what i'm coming up with is a whole lot of nothing, because upon closer examination i'm learning that my perspective is all wrong and now that i can't see things in those other ways anymore, their existence for me doesn't resonate.

change has already begun, which is why i feel so sick. i'm fighting it hard. i'm completely uncomfortable and i don't feel sure about anything. that's good, but i'm still clinging to other things that are preventing me from moving forward. sick emotional attachments. and useless ones.

the opportunity to live life in the ways that are exactly right for me has presented itself, and i'm left with the choice of whether or not to take it. if i do, everything changes. this person i've been will not exist anymore. this journal that i've been so attached to will, at the very least, change completely. i will no longer be a weedfairy. i will no longer get high. i'd have to learn how to cook, which seems like something that should be fun but doesn't excite me at all. i still feel attached to the unhappiness that i sleep by myself every night. i think about cooking for myself and it makes me sad to think of eating alone. just like sitting here and crying while all this mire oozes out.

but i know once it's gone, things will be able to get better.

unexpectedly, yet right on schedule.....

2007-10-16T00:06:48Z

i think my life might be changing tonight.

it was a rough week for customer service

2007-10-14T15:13:53Z

obviously when i have a week full of bad customers, it discourages me from writing. i saved them all up though to purge them on a lazy sunday morning. here we go...

most annoying: a little old man with a hearing air came in this week. he was trying to squeeze a mat and a piece of art into a poster frame, and i explained to him in earnest (and a really loud voice) that it was impossible to close the backing with a mat inside. these were made for a poster and a poster only. i guess because i have a vagina any advice i had was immediately discounted. i told him that if he opened any of them and they didn't work he wouldn't be able to return them because the packaging was destroyed. he was looking at the same type of frame in a slightly different style that did have a deeper groove. only it was in bronze. 'can i get this in black?' no, that's the only color is comes in. 'well can i order it in black?' (slightly louder) no, that's the only color it comes in. you could paint it black.....

and then he gives me a look like i just said the stupidest thing ever. 'i sell my art for $500 apiece and i don't think my clients would be very pleased if they knew i'd painted over the frame for them.'

it is REALLY difficult to control your tone when you're having to raise your voice for a hearing aid and you're getting pissed off at the same time. what i wanted to shout at him was IF YOUR CLIENTS KNEW YOU WERE FRAMING YOUR WORK WITH THE SHITTIEST FRAMES IN THE STORE THEY WOULDN'T PAY $500 FOR THEM!!!

he came back the next night trying to return the whole lot. he'd opened most of them, and just his luck, i was the manager-on-duty. he had the oh-shit/scared-rabbit look when he saw me approaching after the cashier called for a manager. i didn't have to say anything to him. he knew i wasn't taking back anything except the fully-packaged ones. so two out of eight. i'm sorry, but if you fail to heed my advice, i tell you i'm not taking back opened merchandise, and then you proceed to open six of the same frame only to find out that i was right and it's not going to work.....well you deserve to have that defeated countenance about you.

second favorite this week: a woman came in and had one of those creepy renaissance angel posters. cupido. vahe took her order. his usual method is to grab three mats, pick out a fairly expensive frame and let you talk him down to a price you can manage by taking away mats and down-grading your glass. i'm SURE that's what he did with this woman. she was coming back in with her husband, who was shushing her and not letting her talk while we were negotiating, to complain that she thought there were going to be mats and there weren't. her husband had expected mats too and didn't understand why there was just a frame. also, why was the poster so wavy.

1. it's a poster. posters are printed on paper that's one-step up from tp. the biggest mistake most people make with posters, they roll them. this is exactly where the waves come from. the only way to fix it is to dry-mount it, which i will not do for anyone unless they sign a waver, because the dry-mount causes wrinkles in about 1 out of 5 pieces. they signed one so i did it and it came out nicely.

2. this woman is LYING to my face and to her husbands. i KNOW vahe had this thing matted and beautifully framed. and i KNOW that when he told her the price she went into a veritable rush of ay-dios-mios and self-fanning because her crazy bull of a husband would kill her for spending that much money. i can also tell this is the case because she picked cheap glass. i KNOW that she told vahe to take the mats off and just to frame it. and here she was standing next to her psycho husband telling him vahe never showed her mats or anything. he's believing her.

i wanted to call her out so badly. these two had one of the most fucked relationships i've ever seen. and they use it to try to scam people. filthy.

this crazy man wanted me to add mats and reorder the frame AND give him a refund. i told him that wasn't happening. i do not do a return on a custom piece that is in perfectly good condition. what i wanted to say is your wife shouldn't have had my framer remove the mats to save money, and she shouldn't be lying about this to both of us. she's a fucking 50 year old woman for fuck's sake. in the end i had them pick a ready-made frame off the floor, ordered some mats that i didn't charge them for, and damaged the ready-made out and did a return on it. custom framing returns are impossible to hide and i was not doing it just so gordon could bitch at me. this was all really dirty accounting. but i was dealing with dirty people. and although they think they got something out of me for nothing, what they're ending up with is a piece of shit compared to what they had taken home originally.

i don't feel good about either of these customers. i know it's only going to get worse because the holidays put everyone in the spirit to take everything they can grab. but i chose this on purpose. running this frame shop in the busiest store in our district is probably going to be the most challenging thing i've done in ten years. that was my main motivation for not taking the melbourne job. i need to know i can do this. i didn't spend all year learning all this stuff and working this hard just to drop out and move to an easier position closer to home. that makes all the financial sense in the world, but it doesn't do much for my confidence.

it's been two weeks since i stopped buying and eating fast food. i've dropped about 6# and i had a nice chunk of money left over. i used it to buy panties and a couple pairs of jeans. what i love most is how new panties make you feel like a new person.

it's probably going to be rare that i see jeremy from now on. his schedule for the next year is so jam-packed that it all makes sense now why he was trying not to let any feelings develop between us. he's got no time for anything that isn't already in his life. it makes me really glad we never actually had sex. i might be having hysterical withdrawls right about now, and no one likes that.

i have a big pile of deliciously fruity weed that i got from tim. he really enjoys being amazing, which is what i like most about him. i'm going to take this pile of weed, a blanket, my bong, and a pile of books and i'm going to spend the rest of the day on the picnic bench in the backyard. because, oh my god you guys, it's gorgeous out. for real.

robert, my lovely fairy princess....

2007-10-13T11:08:25Z

i just met a 41 year old man who looks like your older brother. and i saw a woman in panera bread earlier this week wearing a gallaudet bucket hat. therefore.....i've been thinking about you a lot lately. hope you're not going nuts. be good this weekend :)

guitars and emily rose

2007-10-10T02:39:58Z

gordon only started being nice to me after i made a $600 sale today. the ass.

both guitars are finished:

now there is only one shadowbox left to do. his emily rose prop-box. victor and his wife collect movie props and apparently they got a handkerchief, a tie, a bible and an autopsy photo from the emily rose movie. the tie and the handkerchief are fine. i'll have no problems sewing them down. the bible kinda freaks me out because it was open to the same page all through filming and there are sweaty and makeup'd preacher thumbprints on the bottom of the pages. no idea how we're mounting that one yet. and the autopsy photo.....i've never seen this movie, but i guess it was based on a true story. apparently the photo looks nothing like the girl in the movie, and for some inexplicable reason there are coroner's notes on the back of the photo. like cataloging data. movie props aren't that detailed, are they? and this wouldn't be a real photo of a real dead chick, right? when they laid that one down i asked brittany if she wanted to take over. i couldn't look at it. unfortunately i'm going to have to work around it. gross.

and that's my excitement for the week.

yesterday i hated mondays

2007-10-09T10:41:28Z

yesterday sucked. gordon was a total dick to me all day, and he went nuts on me twice. a customer who placed an order two months ago and said he never picked it up came in yesterday and we didn't have his artwork. someone else has picked it up and there's no record. he's moving and will probably find it in the shift. worst case we make a claim on it, which is what gordon told me to do when brittany damaged artwork. back then he was calm about it. yesterday he flipped out on me. and he bitched because he said we had nine reorders this week. there's only been one and it was a software issue with multiple openings. that's a known issue. i stopped arguing with him and told him i was sorry, that i was doing the best job i can. his response, 'sorry doesn't cut it.'

someone didn't get enough sleep last night and it makes amy want to punch you in the face.

that crappy treatment made me think hard about transferring to melbourne. i don't know if there's still an opening. i'll be finding out tomorrow morning. if there's not, oh well. but if there is, i'm on it and i want it. i talked to vahe and brittany about it and they'd both stay and not quit if i left. that's what i was worried about because they both threatened they would. i would feel awful if i left right before christmas like this, because any person they bring in to replace me will go through baptism by fire.

i really need to learn to look out for #1. i've just made up a fictional person and i'm feeling sorry for what they're going to go through as a result of my actions. that's crazy-talk.

something happened yesterday and i can't remember what it was. i remember i was going to write about it and now i've forgotten.....

i had a dream last night that felt complicated and uncomfortable. the only good part was climbing onto this platform gazebo in a giant tree and meditating on the water gushing from the top of it. lots of symbolism there but i have no idea what any of it means. i'd like to be spending the day in that gazebo though.

sunday i went to my aunt's house for the multiple birthday part for tyler, my uncle and my grandma. my grandma has a serious sinus infection though, and stayed home in bed. my brother also has a bad sinus infection. the party still went on. naturally, i held jacob all day. i need to be taught how to give him his insulin shots so i can babysit him. his readings went from 351 to 52 and back up to 160 in the span of about three hours. you constantly have to check him. but you can also tell when it's going up because he gets warm and sleepy. you've never seen such a rubbery baby. he acts like there are no bones in his body and just bends and stretches like no baby i've ever seen. he's only just learning to sit up (he's a little over a year now) and the way he does it is he starts on his belly and pushes up with his hands, brings his legs around in split-fashion, either side of him. it's the CUTEST thing ever. he loves to be upside-down too, and he'll arch backwards while you're holding him into the most impossible back bend. he's a little yoga baby, and i love him.

sunday was also tricia's birthday, so after family-time i went to her house. a bunch of other people showed up so we had a little house-party. tricia kept telling everyone she was 21 and dave made me do shots of patron with him. he gives me the sugary limes afterwards and i love him for it. i ended up talking to nate forEVER, which is pretty typical since we both love hitting the bowl and running our mouths. he's in such a crappy relationship and keeps trying to tell me i'm better off being single. when compared to being in a bad relationship, i'd have to agree. i slept there and went straight to work in the morning. i love that tricia's is six minutes away and if i have to be there at eight, 7:30 is a good time to wake up.

now that my sister is gone i can have people over late-nights again. problem is there really isn't anyone to invite.

i really wish i could remember what i planned on writing about.....