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im a pissed off person who hates incompetence. why? well that should be obvious. anyone who doesnt see the light, must be blind, so why waste time on a someone's handicap holding me back. im not them. it isnt my problem. im pissed off for other reasons, and it is my problem, because this is my family, this is what ive always wanted, and these people make me feel happy, loved, and wanted....most of the time...we all have our ups and downs, but these fucking hormones that i have existed on since oh, say, june 2007 are driving me literally insane crazy. no one should have to deal with this, and especially not alone, but its very hard to not feel very alone, when no one else around you seems to get the point. im a very sad person. ive been at said 'sad point' for a very, very long time. its been at this extremely low point since about may 2005....symptoms include but are not limited to: uncontrollable crying, fits of rage and anger, insomnia, fatigue, fear of the unknown, difficulty making decisions, irritability, and lets throw in helplessness just for shits and giggles. i love my babies, but i wish i had things that i could call my own, but i cant just go out and get a job, and even if i could just go out and get a job, i dont want some shitty waitress job, i want something fufilling and meaningful, something that impacts other people in a positive way that they will always remember. yeah, so, i set my standards high, but fuck dude, ive had time to do boring things, and im just ready for something better. I want my own money to spend on things. I hate asking for stuff all the time, or feeling like i want and need things, but i cant really do anything about because i just dont have the means. I can kind of catch a glimpse of how poor housewives felt before feminism when they were stuck doing the same menial tasks day after day with no appreciation because they didnt have a college education and their own way to do their own thing. They felt like they could just take the kids and leave their abusive spouses because they had no where to go and no money to do anything. i dont want to go anywhere, i just want to feel like i can accomplish things on my own without having to ask for help. im just at this very vulnerable point in my life, where i cant do it on my own though, i have to have help, i need someone looking out for my and guiding me in the right direction and holding me accountable for the things i do, someone who will make sure i dont give up on myself. i was so sad when i left josh and being with ryan guthrie made everything worse, because he expected me to do everything on my own. i just want someone to baby me for a while, make me feel like im being taken care of and that i dont have to worry about anything anymore, so i can just relax and be happy and quit feeling like i owe everyone for everything they do for me. I want a few freebies just to keep myself moving and to feel like i dont have to do everything alone, that i could leave things in the hands of a capable other and not have to worry. im so sick of fighting about dumb shit that leaves me in tears off in some other room all alone with no one to comfort me, making me feel like its all my fault because its not all my fault. i cant keep giving in and never really getting what i really what, which is resolution to the real problem at hand, not some mediocre bullshit that wont matter tomorrow, let alone ten minutes from now. Am I the only one who sees that we never really get to the heart of the matter? Is it too much to ask for help at this time for basic times, when its hurts so bad to do things the normal way. Wont someone take pity on me? Wont anyone stop to see the tears on my cheek are real, and the pain i go through it very much heartfelt, and that i ache inside from being so sad for so long and that i just want to get better and have for so long, but i dont want to do it on my own. i have no reason to do it just for me, but a thousand and one reasons to do it for my family.
Our shadows taller than our soul. There walks a lady we all know Who shines white light and wants to show How evrything still turns to gold. And if you listen very hard The tune will come to you at last. When all are one and one is all To be a rock and not to roll. | ||||||||||
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yay, nin is coming again to B.C. stoked, but i still havent got my tickets. pet and i will have to go buy some tomorrow me thinks. yes yes yes. meow. kittins! besides that Im tired, have to work till 9.30, could go to seattle, but i probably wont cause its with jay, and Im trying to not spend time with him, cause he's my ex! im drinkin earl grey with almond malk. i mean miilk. "i only drink the finest breast milks" this entry is batty. k byes@! | ||||||||||
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we are. do we belong here? we're all in jail, apparently BUT Mr Congressional Gag Order. how did we all wake up in jail? should anyone care? from all accounts there is NO escape. we are all here for life. ![]() It is a wonder that we woke up at ALL. But we sure did wake up in jail with no freedom, each and every one of us Americans. It almost makes you think that it's...time to fight, since that's how America got started in the first place... ..unless you were to squint at it all, you might conclude that that whole of the world is made out of dirty tricks; one hundred percent completely fabricated out of fabrications. the things behind things
so much skill, so much beauty...no waste of energy, just grace and fluid magic love emanating in every direction, especially the one that counts. i love him so much i forget where I begin. that's real love... i know it is. and he barely knows I am alive.
The Soga clan began to intensify its political power and ruled politics as despots. Nakano-oeno-Oji and Nakatomino-Kamatari were planning to
The basic policy was proclaimed in January, 646. The four ![]()
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I know i havent been on here in like a million years, but.. as i was walking to the lovely library i was thinking that i should write down about this lovely diet i am on. and its bad at first, fuck me, it is. but now im used to it and i dont know, i feel kind of really bad doing it because i know that its not healthy. I usually eat small things a day or so.. and when i think i eat to much,(i dont).. well dont think so anyways.. i dont eat for another day or so.. but i do drink water, alot of it, and i smoke cigarettes, and when they are supposed to block the hunger, let me just say it takes time. I made some eggs and toast for me and my brother this morning, and i was really hungry, and i ate it, and i wish i didnt because i feel very fat. well i am fat, but whatever. Im only writing this down because ive dropped a jean size in less than two months. | ||||||||||
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Bleh. Yeah, that's it, just bleh. So what if I haven't written here in 8 months. Shut up. | ||||||||||
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well. its sunday! I had an eventful day today. I got to sleep in until 12:30, got up and went to fazolis for a late lunch. I checked out Barnes and Nobles and Borders for a book I wanted, but nothing matched up to my standards. Went to Once Upon A Child, and decided I would return there in the future. Lilly has a lot of clothes I can sell them in exchange for new things. We looked at strollers and car seats, but have still yet to decide on anything we like. I got her these new bottles with liners in them, so you dont have to wash them out every time, just the nipple part and it ended up leaking all over her while she was sleeping in the car on the way to Ryan's Uncle Bryan's house yesterday. Him and Dave and their family were having a pre-Thanksgiving dinner. Which I thought was a freaking great idea, just to get it out of the way and not and it seemed like it would be a lot less stressful. Everything they has was great. I am cooking a roast in the oven right now, and it smells great. Bryan wants to start saving money for Lilly and his other nephews for college, I was thinking how very sweet, and we mentioned that one of the presents we wanted to get her for Christmas was a toy chest, and he offered to get pick it up for her (stealing all my great ideas!) I plan to get a real Christmas tree this year and stick it downstairs. It's been years since I've gotten a real one and this year such feels so appropriate since we are out in the woods in a log cabin. Who knows where we will be next year :( At the bookstore we did buy a train made of blocks pieced together for Lilly's Christmas. We got some clothes and a dress for her to wear for Thanksgiving at the kid's store. Im gonna wait to buy more things until I sort out all her old clothes that don't fit anymore. I've got a WHOLE list of shit to buy for Dinner on Thursday, because a WHOLE list of people are attending. I will be busy all day Wednesday cooking, and then Im just gonna let Karen have the kitchen on Thursday (no use fighting in a 2x5 area for space)One turkey will be made on Wednesday, Ryan is gonna fry another one on Thursday, Karen is baking a ham, I am baking three different kinds of pie, plus the many side dishes will be a somewhat collaborative effort. Karen, Ryan's mom thinks that since I am making pumpkin pie from scratch, that it will be OK for the baby to eat because it's "natural" .... This kind of thinking shifts itself to each new food that she tries to give my child. Once, I said it was OK that she have a taste of Ryan's sister's birthday cake, since it was a special occasion. Lilly comes back to me with her mouth covered in frosting and her outfit stained blue .... I tell Karen that I try to feed her organically and I want to make her baby food (the recipe is always the same HAHA, steam, puree, cool, serve!). I've never liked the idea of feeding her from some jar. I just dont get why she thinks its OK to impose her will on how I want MY child to be fed. And my whole train of thought is to do this, until she gradually becomes old enough to make her own decisions about what she puts into her body. Until then, I want her to be as pure as possible. Butter, salt, cow's milk, sugar, are things little babies just shouldnt get started on. And I feel like once you give them a little, you keeping caving in and caving in each time until those things become diet staples, but if you kept their presense minimal throughout her life, she would just become accustomed to a diet of healthier food, and make better lifestyle choices. Of course, she's gonna have cake and eat it too and thats great, everyone needs to satisfy their sweet tooth. I just want her to know the consequences of letting a bad thing get way out of hand. I know Karen gives her all kinds of things I wouldn't necessarily give her when I am not around and it irks me! | ||||||||||
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holy shit, fucking busy night at work. im kinda like stressed the fuck out, but im gettin 'er done. this one yoga practising zen woman i used to work with before at an equally stressful job, she gave me some words of wisdom before.. they went as follows: "its only danishes, muffins and coffee Carly". haha, i like how that puts everything into perspective. its not real life, no ones life is at stake. Its just pizza, pastas, and phone calls. Its just that you want to do your best, and sometimes things get hectic, at any job, at any school etc. but when it all comes down to it, its really not life or death. ---------------------------------------- anyways, Im doing ok. I have all multiple dates. i only really like one guy though. its weird. i get scared, but hes so chill. and blonde! haha naturally, silly. oh, i got my hair done today, i took colour inspiration from the bee eater. ![]() fuckin looks sweeet ! wish i could show you a picture, but my camera has been broken since hawaii. filming is almost done at the shop. i can't wait to see the rest of the episodes. yeehaw. hope all is well. ps. i dont really like christmas that much xo | ||||||||||
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I'm typing from my iPhone. This sucks. I've been working like a slave for the past month or more. A couple of nights I have worked until 2 and that's with coming in at 830am. It's so hard on me and I can't even complain. I consider it early when I leave at 8. I'm so burnt out. I'm trying not to complain about it. Jim and I argue sometimes because of it and I get his side. But what am I going to do? I can't quit now with the economy like this. Then again if I get laid off which is a possibility because of the markets. We bottomed out at around $49 a share today which is crazy. I think the company is going to go private if we go below $40/share. If they have enough capital to buy their stick back that is. I am going to Atlanta for Thanksgiving. I don't really want to becuase there are going to be so many people there and I haven been feeling particularly social but whatever. Tickets have been bought. Jim is coming with me so it will be better. The fact that he's coming is a huge deal to me because he is meeting most of my family on dads side. It's like I'm telling them that this is the guy I'm with and this is real. A coworker and I got to talking about Muss and why we broke up and she told me that she was her husband's mistress in college and how she befriended the girl for years all the while sleeping win him. And I felt so angry although I shouldn't have. I mean they're married now so there was clearly something there. But what a horrible way to go about the whole thing. I've mad my mistakes but I would never be someonea mistress for years. Oh I'm currently in a cab on the way home from work by the way. So yeah how do people do it? I don't know. But anyway, jimmy got his suit for the renewal of vows ceremony that my aunt is having the day after thanksgiving. He's going to look so hot in it. His tie is so cool. My stomach hurts. We are staying at the Westin in Marietta next week I think. It looks pretty nice. We'll see how it goes. I'm so exhausted. It will be nice to go home to him. | ||||||||||
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