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I am ready and yes, I'm doing it. ...moving out of my little cozy bachelorette bedroom in a house of room mates, and i am moving in with jessse. I'm just crazy about the guy.. and i feel this is a big big love! We've been together for a year + now, and i think our relationship is pretty awesome, loving, learning, fun, supportive etc etc. im nervous though too... but i shall chase away fear. 
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feeling:
 blahI had Farnham tuesday and so i woke up mad early, got dressed and walked myself out into the cold ass air, it was 46 when i left my house; i talk the therapists ear off for an hour and i walk home; in a good mood, so i go in, and eat some speggetti-o's you know the ones with the little mermaid cutouts, well i ate those, dino nuggets and a hot pocket, I refuse to eat breakfast so when im home i eat like a monster. So im eating my grub, minding my own buisness, and becka comes and she's like i want some dino nuggz, so im like ok, Ill make some; so i sit on the couch and start munching down like i havent had anything to eat, which i havent.. this bitch says " Krrrrrysten is a faaaaaattttt assss bitchhhh", "sheeee issss ssssoooo obesssssssssseee" kept saying it over and over again, so i get up and pour myself some tea, hoping that she would stop, well she didnt, she's hitting me with a phone book saying the same shit over and over again, and i told her to stop NUMEROUS times- with her my patience is LOW!! and well im an emotional person. so i get up and im bitching at her, i feel my whole body tremble, i wanted to smash her face into the wall so bad, but i didnt, so i go to make my way up stairs and she's still saying shit, and she's yelling at me, " oh you do the same thing, you call me fat" Im like becka, you are. Im 22 and YOU are 12, big diffrence sweet heart. so i go upstairs in my room, and i just o balistic, I turn on the radio sit there for a second, and try to cut my wrists. (im making this a habit now a days and i dk why) so i use a metal part of a pen, the sharp side- then im searching thru my dresser and i found a knife, im like oh great, so i dig that it, and I did make it bleed a little, it didnt hurt so bad until after the fact. well i go downstairs, still upset and call derek on the phone bawling my eyes out on the phone to him about killing myself and asking him to find me a ride to Mental Health, I was so serious by this time, that i didnt give a fuck. so i left. derek ended up coming over, he's like Ill meet you halfway down your street, well i ended up takling another street and he found me, two blocks down, still talking like he knows me or something. the sad part is: that he does. so i go and txt my friend liz and i saty at her house for a few hours, and she ends up bringing me home. the end. Today: I had probation, I woke up at 6, 7, and 926 to be ther at 10, i get there and the guys a retard, Ihe wants me to go to school 8 hours a week, i wanted to tell him, ill go when i feel like it. i also told him id rather go to jail- i have farnham once every week for an hour, probation two times a moth, for 25 mins or so, they want me to go to class 8 hours a week and still find a job. #1- I dont wake up Usually until noon. (unless i have an appointment) #2- I WALK everywhere.. #3- GED classes suck, Ive told him before i need help in math, ive been asking for a tutor for 3!!!! years, have i gotten one? No, do the teachers help me? NO!! they chit chat all day.. #4- there is no number 4 ________________________________________ On a better note i made a cl ad like last month, I got a shit ton of responces back and this one really stood out, his name is Mishael (My-shay el) he's the sweetest nigg ever, he's cute, nice lips, ect. ZHe has two kids, and they are half white. which is nice. well anywho, he came and met my family about 2 weeks ago, that was a trip i though, beck kept saying nigga's and nigger and he didnt care, good thing cause i say it ALOT. so that nighht,m he was going to spend the nighht, cause he lives in NEDROW, im like geesh, thats a haul. he says he is but then we are getting horny, and we end up doing eachother.. so he's like im gonna leave ill call if i come back. he never called. actually i didnt hear from him until LAst thursday.. he lost his wallet and my number was in there.. he says he wants to see me. i said mhm, im sure you do. idk. i just dk. | ||||||||||
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great love. big fuckin deal...all the cliches about...ah, all the AOR hits, REO fucking speedwagon, i don't wanna SLEEP, i just wanna keep on...uh huh, all true. but so what? argh. deep weird anguish. but this is not a cliche. it's not love and truth that hurt and suck. it's ALL THE OTHER SHIT. i can SO handle the truth! so tired of lies, bullshit, DENIAL. ugh... how can i be so happy and so sad at the same time? | ||||||||||
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feeling:
 exanimate
The Oscar-winner will be presented with the trophy at the 19th annual Women in Film and Television Awards here next month, reports imdb.com. Event organisers say Mirren will receive the honour for her “outstanding and lasting contribution to film and television”. Previous winners of the award include former Bond girl Dame Diana Rigg, multi Oscar-winner Katharine Hepburn, and “Educating Rita” star Julie Walters.
The Passion of Ayn Rand: Mirren and Stolz made her story superb, the filmmakers chose to make the film about the objective love relationships in the philosopher author's life. i NEVER saw anything like it before that... Mirren and Stolz getting it on on hardwood floors, elaborate lighting as the sun went down and venetian blinds created a lovely scene...
director Becker says it as well as i could from the soapbox of experience.... http://www.beckerfilms.com/index.html
http://www.beckerfilms.com/index.html i tend to agree with most of what becker says. but, i bet montages of humping actually DO "do it for him" although it might be professionally deft for him to state otherwise online...hee hee.
But also...there is this term floating around which i mellow with..."Neo-Objectivist..." i saw the illogic in Rand's statements when I was a senior in High School. OF COURSE contradictions exist. "No, they don't." YES THEY DO and there's one now...ugh... proving the negative? It was her sheer fierceness -- and the fact that she was a Jew on the down in a nation known for equal racist brutality as Stalin's hated fascist Communism -- that, perhaps, gave her the courage, the sheer will to state opinions on such a prolific level. Escaping Stalin's hate of Jews, she left utterly impoverished Soviet Russia and came to the United States -- where she got suckered by the same constitutional republic that almost all of us are hypnotized by by the age of six. She'd never seen opulence and riches like New York before, no doubt...and became enamored of capitalism. Which was arguably her savior. The flaws in her philosophy come from denial's logical terminus. People who assume things that they personally have not experienced are not real are just too short sighted. I have never seen the planet Jupiter, or mainland China, with my own eyes. I would be as much of a fool as Rand if i therefore assumed that they were not real, because I could not see them. "There IS no such place as China! there's no Jupiter, either...if I haven't seen them THEY AREN'T FUCKING REAL!!" Such arrogance goes along with Ayn Rand. Now internationally, governments and their economies are collapsing -- because she influenced SO MANY CAPITALISTS. "Good." ---------------- something weird as my train of thought derailed: http://www.popstar.com/Helen_Mirren/ WHO DID THAT? maybe Rach did it herself. "3-way..." I'll definitely remember that number. -- REPUBLICANS LIE COMPULSIVELY. yeah, Hitler was mentally ill. i find it sorta hard to feel sorry for him though... Jung and Freud and the cola wars of psychoanalysis. If Jung had won and Freud had been shoved into the world of the fringey and speculative instead of vice versa, we'd live in a much saner world, and George W. Bush might never have been president. Or -- he might not have been so diabolically and obviously insane. And up to now... | ||||||||||
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i actually forgot that the emeritus actor Peter Fonda was IN the movie! but i remember his performance, it was terse and commanding. They made what could have been a long drag-on of a tale about a writer compelling...
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feeling:
 chipperi believe in LIES. i believe in truth, also, which makes life easier. but if i didn't believe in lies -- i would always, always be susceptible to deception. it's good to believe in things in general, like the guy who said "Everything is true, even false things are true." i understand that. Lies come from an intention -- to deceive, dominate, to get over on someone. Often liars have the goal of taking advantage and then LAUGHING LOUDLY at whoever they have vampired. but... just because i believe in LIES -- it doesn't mean i don't believe in other things. Cool errors, or "golden mistakes" are also something to believe in... i definitely believe in synthetic versus organic. like: the government is fucking itself up -- people have to take direct action, because basically, they are WRONG to be in charge. "Fucking up the planet" is one way of putting it. the basic hatred that they have -- and show -- for women and children -- the basic state of tax-based ENSLAVEMENT that corrupts people. It's wrong -- a sort of lying false righteousness that actually sickens. To say They Make Me Sick - understatement --but real. They sicken me and objectively -- of COURSE they sicken and kill people. The Military industrial complex...it's NOT there to make people Happy or make them Feel Good. It's there to objectively Hurt People -- and to trick people into paying into it, becoming proud of it... the culmination of events and histories colliding and combining bring us to a front row seat in the great Battle between Good and Evil. And those things are real, as well...anytime someone says "there's no Evil" back up and fucking CHECK. The other one i worry about is when they say "never ending battle between Good and Evil." Yeah, maybe...but maybe that's a lie. Maybe we are tricked, tricked into thinking that there must always be evil. Yeah, i could imagine some ancient force of evil saying "you can't live without me...there's no way." the ancient smiling liar of posession, the enemy of Good and Virtuous simply because they are there... an ancient smiling thing of hate that would insist that it would always be around....armed with lies. But it gets nervous when one observes it directly -- and perhaps this Mayan thing is actually about The End of Evil. That would effectively end the world as we have known it -- the world of injustice, lies, dead children frozen in the snow while Bureacracy laughs -- When I finally tell the story of the Demon Slumlord -- how completely stupid and ultimately, self destructive he was -- I will get some good applause. | ||||||||||
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